Are You Settling In Your Relationship?

How you know that you’re settling?

For starters, if you have to ask then you probably are. Here’s a better question: If you could be with anyone in the world, would you choose the person that you’re with? If the answer is yes, fine you’re not settling. If the answer is no then you are settling because you do have the choice of being with anyone you want, whether you recognize that or not. When we make the decision to be in a relationship, we are telling the world, this is what I want.

If you decide to be with someone who is less than what you want then you’re settling. But why do we settle and why do we fear it.

The most common excuses single men and women make for settling are:

  • I haven’t met the right person yet.
  • The person that I want doesn’t exist
  • I am running out of time, options, patience etc.
  • They’re a great person

I can’t tell you how many times single men and women get caught up with good people who don’t make them happy. Good people who aren’t passionate or exciting or sexy. Good people who “deserve” a partner, so you charitable offer yourself up because how could such a nice person be single.

So why do we fear settling?

Relationships, even the best ones, don’t always last forever. When you commit to a partner, even in marriage it doesn’t mean it’s for the rest of your life. Settling in our minds is missing out. We fear settling because it means that we’re missing out on something better. Someone better. Someone we have no idea how to find or if they even exist.

If you know without a doubt that someone is right for you then you’re lucky. For the rest of us we have endless doubts. We are unsure that we’re making the right decision and it’s scary. With so many choices and decisions to make in our everyday lives it stands to reason that we would be flooded with questions in deciding if the person that we’re dating is right for us.

The fear of settling is crippling

Society teaches us that if you aren’t happy where you are then you should upgrade what you have. We are trained to believe in features and benefits. If a person doesn’t come with all the bells and whistles then the relationship is somewhat inferior.

You deserve the best so if that isn’t what you have then you should leave it for something better, right?

Settling is the difference between what you want and what you have.

If you are unhappy with your selected partner then you ask yourself the following questions:

  • Is this how I expected to feel with a partner?
  • When we are together do I feel relaxed or anxious?
  • Do I want to change them or are am I content with them as they are?

These are some of the most important questions you can ask to qualify a potential date. If you assume by the appearance of a person, that they are less than what you want, they can’t make you happy and to commit to them would be settling ~you’re going to have a pretty crappy first date.

Unfortunately this is when we make these assumptions and we shouldn’t.

  1. Settling isn’t about you being a seven dating someone you consider a six.
  2. Settling is about wanting more than you’re getting out of the relationship. Settling is accepting less than you deserve from a partner out of fear that what you want doesn’t exist.
  3. Settling is compartmentalizing your relationship by the pros and cons instead of trusting your intuition and doing what feels right in your soul.
  4. Settling is being practical instead of authentic. Fearful instead of faithful.

If you want to know if you’re settling in your relationship just listen to your gut, its telling you the answer.


8 thoughts on “Are You Settling In Your Relationship?

  1. I love you, but this is such shit…. what if someone is the package but, I feel like they’re hung up in the past? Arg….

      1. Wasn’t clear to me either. Could be hung up in the past with them or baggage brought into a current relationship, from a prior relationship.

  2. Settling sucks. For me it was the realisation that we both were settling, deserved a deeper connection with someone else and yet were both too scared and insecure of the unknowns to do anything about it.

    So what develops is a relationship of walking on eggshells, dependency and love without a natural and deep connection with a person. Everyone deserves better but its a scary leap of faith for many to give up the known for the unknown. Luckily I got out just before the commitment of marriage and kids and such epiphany came about after realising that settling with the person was not going to ever change for the better. That a person is not going to change into what you hope or wish they could be and that they are who they are, period.

    Close Friends tell me I dodged a bullet but I think we both did. Have I found someone else? not yet, but even if I don’t, infinitely better to be single and lonely some nights than married and miserable.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. It’s very honest and powerful. Settling comes from our question of self-worth and fear of the unknown. Sometimes we need the tools to communicate with our partner and get out of the rut. Other times we need to move on and realize that the relationship has run its course. This is why communication is the pillar of successful relationships. It’s important to talk to your partner about what is happening and give the relationship a fair chance to progress or to end amicably. I applaud your honesty and I hope I can offer some insights on how to make your search enjoyable.

  3. The real truth is that you can’t just be with anyone you want. You can only date those who are willing to date you.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I believe that sometimes you have to find a person and make the relationship right versus trying to find the right person. Relationships are built with two willing participants. That’s all any of us can ask for. Your only job is to find someone who is willing to have the type of relationship that you want and willing to build that relationship with you. It’s a partnership.

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