Are you only as good, as the person you’re dating? I read a tweet that said: #Ladies, you’re only as good as the man you date, if you let a lame in your panties then you’re lame. It made me wonder, who judges what is lame or not? If this is how you view dating it’s no wonder you’re unhappily single. Whether you call it lanes, numbers or calibers singles are obsessed with finding themselves in someone else. When it comes to degrees, status, looks and intelligence we are desperate to find a partner that we think is as good, if not better than we are.
Could it be because we define ourselves by the person that loves us?
If the most wonderful person on the planet doesn’t love us then it must prove that we are losers or lames?
You might not look at it as straightforward as someone is a lame or a loser. You might just consider some people a “catch” and others not. When it comes to dating, what is it that makes some people’s love more special than others? Why do we value some people’s affections and not others? If you have a strict barometer for who you find worthy of dating, you might be disqualifying a host of quality people. If this is the strategy for many singles I can see why so many relationships fail.
It feels fantastic to date someone powerful and important. I’ve had more than enough CEOs, CFOs, Founders and Presidents in my life to tell you that doors open when you’re on the arm of the check signer but that kind of validation is fleeting. That kind of validation doesn’t make you feel like your spirit is worth as much as the person you’re dating because you are just another accessory in their life. The more important and fabulous you become to yourself, the more priority you place on who a person is, not what they do.
When you lack to courage to say ‘I am enough, and I want to share myself with someone who is kind and caring’, you end up searching for validation.
The problem comes because most people don’t know themselves very well. Understandably, self-reflection is scary. What can lead us to be the people we are today sometimes stem from traumatic events from the past. Dating someone who is “special” in the eyes of others can make us feel like we are just as special by proxy. This might be all well and good but it won’t heal your childhood wounds.
When we think about happiness, it’s often regarded as something that comes and goes, like thoughts, and can’t be controlled. Sure you can choose to do things that you want to do but essentially if you have a good or bad day at work, it’s all circumstances that are beyond your control. Same as if you have an argument in your relationship, it’s the highs and lows of dating. Completely out of your hands, you tell yourself. Singles seem to think of chemistry and choosing a partner with the same regard. You can’t control who you like, you can’t control who you have chemistry with is what we would like to believe but that just isn’t the case.
Single men and women allow themselves to be attracted to what they have been told they should value beauty, wealth, intelligence and power. Anyone who seems superior in any of these areas is often the most desired people, the catches. When you are a “nice” guy or woman, it’s likely that you are simply average in all categories. When looking for a partner you can’t aim too high but you don’t want to aim too low. You’re stuck in a pattern of values that aren’t your own.
Singles again and again want seek potential dates that excel in at least one category. The lengths we go through to find those that excel in more than one are embarrassing. Maybe you feel you are that particular person who has it all and are looking for your “match.” But as I mentioned, you’re actually looking for yourself, which you can’t find in another person.
My suggestion to anyone who feels there is validity in who loves you or dates you, or wants to date you is to reprioritize what makes you feel good.
Too often we don’t feel good about ourselves on our own so we give others the power to make us feel good. When they are nice to us we feel great, when they are mean to us we feel worthless and rejected. Who you date is a reflection of how you feel about yourself but don’t judge others by societies standards. Dating someone who makes you happy, who is kind and sensitive, caring and understanding are the qualities that matter the most. The hype that we must all look like the perfect couple, have the perfect jobs and be the Ken and Barbie of our friends is unrealistic.
It is not a definition for happiness. The [dating] truth is who you date does essentially define how you feel about yourself, who you are as a person and what you value most in a relationship. It’s important to choose wisely but more important to set your own standards.