If You Want A Relationship, Let Men Pursue You

Dating and relationships are not the same. We often interchange the two, but getting into a relationship and being a good dater are not mutually exclusive. In fact, if you are a good dater, you’re less likely to want a relationship. If you’re ready for a committed relationship, and the work that lasting love entails, then post is for you.

How many times have you met a great guy, had a decent interaction, or even a fun date with him and then waited and waited for him to make the next move? And he didn’t. Maybe the man you’re dating right now is spending a lot of time with you, and showing his interest but he won’t actually pull the trigger on commitment.  If you think he likes you, and you know that you like him, how do you get into a relationship?


I want to make it clear about what pursue does and doesn’t mean. To start, pursue doesn’t mean sit idly by and wait for the man to do all of the work. It also doesn’t mean waste time waiting for him to decide that you’re worth committing to. Lastly, letting a man pursue doesn’t mean waiting around so long that you become impatient and borderline desperate.

Or even worse, settle for treatment that is less than what you deserve.

When you think about letting a man pursue you, consider letting him take the lead when it makes sense for him to do so. Don’t try to fill in the gaps for where he should be showing interest and isn’t. It is perfectly acceptable for a woman to show unequivocal interest in a man.

You don’t want the man to worry that you’re not interested. be flirtatious, ask for his number, and even plan and pay for the date. I’m not encouraging this but I’m not against it. Essentially, you can do what you feel will make you feel good.

What you can’t do is: HIS JOB.

Relationships take two willing participants. If you meet a guy that you think is great and you want to be in a serious relationship with him, but he’s dropping the ball on making plans, or communicating with you – it’s not your job to take control.

If you meet a guy that you like but he’s not moving the relationship forward by calling, texting, or planning future dates, it’s natural to wonder, “What should I do?” The answer is …


Dating is a waiting game because it depends heavily on timing. When you meet a guy that you like, you know. There is no need to go through the formalities of actual courtship, you are ready to forego all other men for his attention now. Unfortunately, most relationships don’t progress this way.

I know it’s exciting to like someone but you have to be patient in the process, and don’t feel like you have to make it happen. Be patient, and enjoy the process unfold.

Don’t be so quick to assume that if this guy really liked you he would lock it down. If you’re dating a man who isn’t calling you, or texting you, or trying to advance the relationship then you’re not dating the right guy. If you’re dating someone who isn’t moving as fast as you would like, just wait. Be wise enough to know the difference.

The emphasis on patience is this: don’t take action because you’re afraid that the guy won’t. A relationship built on insecurity will never last. Gender roles tell us that men are the ones who should approach you, call you, ask you on a date, follow-up with you, and then ask you out again. I agree with this to some extent. But approaching a man, making the first move, flirting with him, or texting him first isn’t the same as pursuing. These are actions you can take to show interest.

When you meet a man who is interested in dating you he will call you, he will ask you out, and he will take the lead. Even if you don’t think this man is capable of taking the lead, give him a chance at least. You don’t want a man so paralyzed by his own insecurities that he can’t ask you for a date.

If you are impatient in your efforts, you might end up with a guy who just isn’t ready to be in a relationship and the experience will be disappointing at best. There is no amount of pursuit that you can offer, that will get a man into a relationship who doesn’t want to be in one.

Taking action seems more appealing than lying wait but why would you want to work that hard to get a man? Chill with the idea that dating is so complicated, and scary that we need to make it easy on men. We don’t.


The idea of letting a man pursue you might sound old-fashioned but consider this: if you’re taking the reins from the man then you’re missing out on a key part of his personality. A man will show you who he is by how he dates you. The way he communicates with you, and romances you, and tries to impress you. All of those actions give you insight to HIM. If you aggressively pursue him then you run the risk of never seeing all sides of him.

You’re also telling him that you don’t trust that he can, or will pursue you of his own accord. You have to trust that you are worth chasing. You are worth going out on a limb for. You are worth the effort it takes, and is required to date someone. It takes patience to let a man to date you the way he feels comfortable with, and some women just don’t have the patience to do it.

Putting trust into the guy that you want to be exclusive with shouldn’t sound like a crazy concept. With a little patience, and a lot of trust, you can easily find yourself in a healthy relationship. But fueled by insecurity, and the belief that it won’t happen unless you make it happen, can lead to a really unhappy experience.

Letting a man pursue you doesn’t mean that you can’t let him know that you’re interested. Give him the green light to proceed and trust that if he likes you, he will.


Theres is a difference between a man showing you interest, and a man that is investing in you. If you want a relationship with a guy, there is a plan of action that you can take to make him yours. But before you jump into action, assess what his level of investment is. You can typically judge a man’s interest by his actions.

Take inventory on what the guy you like is already showing you.

It’s often the case that the man is trying to pursue a woman but his efforts are going unnoticed. The bar is set so unrealistically high for what a man should be doing, that what he is doing goes unappreciated. Is he doing what he said he would do? Is he keeping up with promises to call, or text? Is he making suggestions to see each other again? Is he being honest and straight-forward with you?

Often, a man is making it crystal clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. If this is the case, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. If you meet a guy that you like, you can meet a man halfway by showing interest in getting to know him. Think about it like this, it is perfectly ok to try to get to know anyone.

It is not OK to pursue a relationship with someone who isn’t trying to get to know you!

I understand wanting a relationship but if a man isn’t willing to assume some responsibility for making a relationship happen, then maybe that’s not the right man for you. Letting a man pursue you doesn’t mean sit back and do nothing. It just means don’t assume that you should do everything. Let the man that you’re dating show you who he is, and if he’s even ready for commitment.

A guy that likes you will have no problem taking action.

63 thoughts on “If You Want A Relationship, Let Men Pursue You

  1. Great advice except for the fact that it does not work. If I were to follow your advice I would have no relationship at all. I NEVER get seriously pursued by men.

    1. Ms. Soja – Take heart! You have not been taught how to lie, trick and manipulate.Just being yourself is going to land you your great guy because you are NOT going to play stupid games, but honestly let him know that you are interested.

      1. Thank you for the comment Ennis! There are no tricks to attraction. If a woman wants the attention of a man, his pursuit and desire there are no tricks, lies or manipulations involved. You can be yourself but you have to be really, really good at letting other people know who that person is. And you have to be comfortable with the idea that you will attract some people that you don’t want while attracting those that you do.

        1. Thanks for the giggle in this article. Clearly you yourself have no idea how you and your fellow women work and what you respond to. You’re merely adhering to what society and media have told you. If you want to know what works for men AND women, YouTube Coach Corey Wayne. I’m in no way affiliated with him. He just knows what works.

          Men pursue to a point, but in the end, it’s feminine nature to reach out, pursue, and to need reassurance. Educate yourself before you post stuff like this, please! This kind of stuff misleads men and women. Best of luck sweetheart.xx

          1. Thank you for your comment. I’m familiar with Cory Wayne. I think there are different ways people can receive and apply advice. It doesn’t resonate for everyone but my approach to ask myself, “What would I want to hear and what would be helpful to me?” I can do that because it’s my blog. If other people like it, and it helps them then that is wonderful. This is not a course in dating, it’s my insights. I’m open to anyone who disagrees.

    2. Thank you for the comment, Soja. I know for a fact that attraction is what motivates human beings to initiate contact. If you aren’t attracting the right attention from the right men then what you need is a better strategy and method of attraction. Since we attract who we are being positive, approachable, helpful, and open will attract men who are confidant and willing to pursue women. If you never attract men, start by deciding that you want to. Think about the type of men that you want to attract then be open to their attention.

      1. Ok I know this post is a little old but…. I would like to attract this guy’s interest but he lives on new York myself in Cali… He works for one of the biggest television networks. Just as well were successful just on two diff spectrums he travels around the world just as i do, by our srlves seems as though. He was in a magazine as an eligible bachelor. I was just curious as to see if I would get picked out of thousands of applicants for this bachelor to meet. So I wrote in. Surprisingly he chose me as one of the women he wanted to meet. Due to my nursing schedule and school I was not able to attend his bday. I know most men really only pay attention to what’s infront of their face… he said if I was in NY to hit him up, … super nervous cause its been awhile sense we last chatted and i donr know what to talk him about . should I even try ??? Aaaahhhh

        1. Hi there, thank you so much for your comment. Of course you should try! What I think is so funny is that most single people believe that love is luck but when something lucky happens to them they doubt it. He chose you and contacted you. He made an attempt to see you that’s awesome. Think about what you want and if this man fits that ideal. If he does then pursue a friendship with him. Get to know him. Don’t make any assumptions that the relationship will just blossom into romance but it doesn’t hurt to build something casual and have fun. If you really want it or if it’s meant to be then things will align. New opportunities might bring him to Cali or you to New York. Be open minded and believe. Believe in the serendipity of life. Believe that you deserve this amazing guy and don’t worry about the future. Stay connected to him without expectation and let the courtship unfold. I hope this was helpful.

    3. Wow..is there a way to delete your comment!? I wish there was so you could really let this all sink in for you. What works for you, works for you. Who doesn’t want the pleasure of being with a man who is doing the pursuing?! It’s a wonderful feeling that you will not see if you do not practice patience. Maybe previous relationships have not worked out for you, or maybe the men you’ve been dating are not truly into making you a priority…but if the opposite truly works for you, maybe you should write an article on that? Idk..I just hope that you realize that although no man is perfect, in his pursuit it should be him showing you that you’re worthy & not you doing all the chasing..

      1. Thank you so much for your comment. I completely agree with you. I know the word pursue has different connotations, but the point is that the relationship should be reciprocal. I love when other readers can add perspective to another’s situation. Patience plays a huge rule in allowing pursuit but the key isn’t to sit and home and wait for a man to always call or show you attention. Allowing a man to pursue you just means let him lead or guide the relationship so that you aren’t guessing how he feels. It doesn’t mean to withhold your emotions or act disinterested, it simple means to be patient, as you mentioned, and let the man take the lead. I appreciate your comment, you made some great points, and thank you for reading.

    4. That is so true in this day and time she game changed men act as if they don’t care about any woman or dating they have no respect for any woman , if they ask u out and your trying to not be excited or like pushy they will not want to ask again they go on to the next ones I do know this they say we men can have any woman they want

    5. Men pursuing women is sexist and degrading of men. Ever thought of that? Not all guys like to pursue (me given). You say, “TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO DATE MEN WHO PURSUE YOU. WHY? BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT.” – Please explain what warrants that. Why arn”t men worth being pursued? What proof do you have that YOU should be pursued, that you are worth more than the man? Nothing. Sorry your argument is sexist and degrading of men. Relationships are all about women seeking attention and men who are slaves to this.

      1. Thank you for reading and for the comments. Scientifically speaking the choice of partnership has fallen predominantly on men more than women. I understand however that the language of the post is vague and phrases out of context could seem misleading. You’ve given me a great idea for a follow up post, since this has been so popular, that will explain in depth why I believe pursuit should fall on the shoulders of the man more so than the woman. Keep in mind however that my style of dating isn’t one size fit all, and differences of opinion are welcomed.

  2. Your opinion reflects everything that is wrong with society. What about men who are shy and can’t approach people? Some men simply can’t, they have a condition called social anxiety that prevents them from doing so, and to “man up” and “grow a pair” is not easy like flicking a switch. Why do they have to get left in the dust and live life alone because of their condition?! It’s a TWO WAY STREET.

    The funny thing is you women seem to want your cake and eat it too. Women need to, no, they HAVE TO pursue men just as much. You want equal rights, well this is what comes with it. End of discussion

    1. Agree Ryan. The reason men are not chasing women is because we have discovered that relationships are about feeding the attention of women and being slaves to their needs. A man can NEVER feel good about himself, because he is always making the women feel good about herself the whole time. That’s the problem with relationships and why guys have no interest in them.

  3. I find the statements made on this page to be incredibly problematic. Frankly, you are carelessly spewing sexist and archaic ideologies that succumb to bullshit gender roles and binaries. Please, these are not the kinds of messages that should be sent to women..especially young girls. Many men find it incredibly refreshing and alluring to be pursued by a confident woman who is comfortable enough in her own skin to take charge of her life. Little girls and women of all ages alike need to be encouraged to go for what they want, rather than be told to passively stand by and hope it works out or rely on others to take action for them.

    1. Thank you for taking the time to share your voice even though you may disagree. Its important to keep in mind that my opinion will never and should never replace anyone’s personal choice. I don’t share advice that I haven’t practiced in my own life and found success with. I feel that everyone has the right to decide what works best for them.

      1. Thank you for both the article and this comment. I think you are getting negative responses because you are speaking the truth.
        And any women who’s been the chaser for years after years will find success in this advice.
        If someone wants you in his life, he will put you there and if not, well why waste the. RIGHT ON, love bug. This article is the truth of the dating world we now live in.
        Much love and beauty to ya

        1. Thank you for your comment and kind words. The most important thing to understand about any advice is that if you take action you’ll know whether it works or doesn’t work. Dating takes a mutual investment and it takes two willing participants if a man is pursuing a woman she in turn gives him affirmation that she’s interested. That’s the way dating should be in my opinion. Thank you again.

        2. I agree. I can’t believe these negative comments. A woman is beautiful, and when she’s confident that will attract any man’s attention. She’s not saying to lie dormant she’s saying to be ourselves. And when a guys is ready, willing, able and available to want a relationship he will then go for it. Even the shy ones.

          He’ll use whatever means necessary to do it. That won’t change. Boys have been interested since they were little even sending Valentines in class. If a girl, woman makes it knows she’s available, open, interested moderately that’s enough for him to take the ball. Men do move slow at times and I myself am accustomed to getting impatient. We just cannot take the ball and start doing it for them. To me, things get way out of balanced. Allow a man to be just that…A MAN.

          1. Thank you for the great comment and thanks for reading. You are absolutely right. I couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s all about checking your impatience at the door and if a guy is moving too slow for your taste then he probably isn’t the right man for you anyway. Lovely comment.

  4. Miss Solomon,
    Are you married? Your words only become credible for me when you become married. I hope not to be disrespectful, but expressing my thoughts. If what you are preaching has not helped you in your pursuit ( haha), I can’t take you seriously.

    1. Thank you for your question. No, I’m not married but my site isn’t about marriage. It’s not even about committed relationships. My advice is intended for single men and women who have trouble meeting potential dates and building deep connections. The real and more appropriate question is: I am happy? Am I successful in my pursuits and the answer, to both, are yes. It’s a very damaging narrative that marriage = happiness or success and I try to encourage readers to find happiness and success as a single person first before they aspire to marriage.

  5. As a guy, I’m going to tell myself that you’re only going to date women who pursue me. Why? Because I deserve it. 🙂

    1. Thanks for the comment and although it might have been written to be facetious I think you have a point. We always get what we feel we deserve so if I were you I would let women pursue me. If that’s what you want, you do deserve it. Once you commit to that desire, it will happen. I absolutely believe that.

  6. I agree with all that miss Solomon has said . VERY WISE! It’s the best input I’ve ever read on women pursuing men.
    In my opinion,
    Men like to conquer by nature.
    Conquer power, conquer fame, conquer wealth and conquer women .
    How can women conquer a men????
    That is the toughest question in my head….

  7. I meant to say at the end:
    How can a woman conquer a man?
    Is it possible at all?
    To conquer and to pursue …
    Is love a game?
    Life sometimes seems complicated….

    1. Thank you so much for reading and leaving your comment. That’s a great question, how can a woman conquer a man and can she? The answer is very complicated. It’s hard to explain in one post but sometimes our motivations aren’t always clear, even to us. When women “pursue” men, it’s rarely their natural instinct, they usually do it out of fear. We pursue men because we are afraid that if we don’t we won’t get what we want. One of my favorite quotes is: you can’t get it done and you can’t get it wrong meaning that when you want something it’s not completely up to you make it happen. Sometimes you have to get out of your own way and just let it happen. I’m hoping that women can get out of their own way and allow men to take the lead. The right man will.

  8. not chasing after men worked better for me than chasing (after men). If you chase them they will use you, disrespect you and it will be the end of the story.

    Once men turn 30-35 their testosterone levels drop significantly and as a result – they become lazy in chasing after women. Many women feel that if they (women) stop ‘working’ on their relationship and putting efforts into it the relationship would dwindle to nothing. In many cases it would be truth since men do not seem to be in need of relationships anyways. They tend to have this’ take it or leave it ‘ attitude.

    Most (35+ y.old) men these days are slightly depressed and incredibly lazy… They will stick with you if you are an extravert and fun to be with. You still will have to do the ‘ work’ in your relationship: move it forward, initiate commitment and possibly marriage. If you are an introvert and expecting them to do all the mentioned above – you are in for a big disappointment.

    1. WTF is this far-too-prevalent emphasis on “work”, “growth”, “commitment”, etc.? Live in the moment, live for the day, seize the day, et all. We’re ALL GONNA DIE, so why not enjoy yourself and any partner you might have? If a man is with you, he likes and possibly even loves you as much as anyone probably has or could (unless you have lousy judgement, which means if you dump him, you’ll probably end up with someone no better — or no one).

  9. “This guy is everything I want. I sure hope he asks me out”

    Am I doing it right?

    Ladies, guys are thick. If you like them, tell them. Don’t throw yourself at them because they’ll think that you’re just looking for a hookup. But simply asking them out or giving them the opportunity to ask you out is 100% fine.

    @OP you’ve successfully thrown women’s rights back into the dark ages. Keep up the good work.

    1. Thank you for reading and I appreciate your comment but we’re not here to judge or label anyone. Differences in opinions are more than welcomed because we all come from different perspectives- its important to be understanding.

  10. “Tell yourself that you’re only going to date men who pursue you. Why? Because you deserve it.”
    OK, then I will tell myself that I’ll only date women who pursue you. Why? Because I deserve it.

    Oh wait, now we are at a standstill. I guess I just don’t deserve love.

    1. Thank you for reading and for your comment. To be clear, there are passive people and aggressive people. There are those who will pursue and those who want to be pursued. The sentiment behind the phrase is don’t be afraid that you will miss out on someone because you aren’t pursuing them. You deserve for someone to show interest in you without force or prompting. If that is something important to you, then hold out for it- you deserve it. If you want women to pursue you then only date women who do. You will find them. Don’t think for a moment that it isn’t possible. If you want it, wait for it. I hope this was helpful.

  11. I came across this and I was curious about the situation I am in. So I met a guy about a month ago. He seemed very interested. The first 2 wks we had been talking and seeing each other everyday but not actually a date. He’s a tattoo artist so when he wanted to be around me bc he is always so busy with his shop he would ask me to come through just so he would be able to see me. Then by the 3rd week suddenly he stopped initiating contact first. He kind of stopped responding to me too. Then after a few days started back but not like he did in the beginning. When I see him he does still seem interested and makes flirtatious comments as if he is but I’m still not sure what this means. Am I over thinking the situation? It’s like once I started showing interest he backed off. Should I give it some time to see if it goes somewhere?

    1. Thank you for reading and thank you for your question. With the little information that you have shared my advice would be to keep an open mind about what you want from this guy and start setting some serious boundaries. It sounds like he was getting by with putting in minimal effort into the relationship. Kudos to you for accommodating him but the truth is we don’t value what comes easy. You were being very understanding by always making time to see him but you didn’t require him to make any effort and that can get dull after awhile. We value what we work for. Start setting boundaries and asking more of him. If he likes you he will get with the program, if he isn’t interested then he won’t. Don’t take it personally. You don’t want a guy who isn’t willing to put in a little effort. I hope this was helpful.

  12. “If a man doesn’t want to do what you require in order for him to date you”

    Actually the hard truth is if a man doesn’t want to date u out, he doesn’t need you.

    1. Thank you for your comment and I completely agree. It’s not completely accurate to say someone doesn’t need another person but we all value different things in different people. Just because someone isn’t interested in you doesn’t mean you’re not interesting, or valuable. It just means you’re not valuable to them and that’s ok. Thanks for reading.

  13. And if nobody nice and good will pursue? What do you think about nice men who are intimidated by beautiful women? How can a beautiful woman (fed up with player hunters of a bad quality) pursue a good nice man without seeming desperate ? Can she pursue him several times if he doesn’t do it at all? People tell me that I am too pretty and because of my career nice men are scared. I am so polite and nice to all people, shall I give up my career or stay single?
    You say let them pursue you, but they dont and I have a certain age, waiting for them to do it. For instance, to have an idea of my life,I met a man -network party,, I talked to him (I went to him, not him )then later I wrote him an email asking him out. He answered yes, we went out, he seemed shy and his face was red. He did not call since then, nor write me . I think, let’s say 60% that he liked me, but I feel shy to write him again. We have no friends in common, I only have that mail. The problem is that in my town there are mostly women and he’s new in town, he’ll be taken soon if I don’t do something and wait for him to do…What do you suggest? I am very shy and afraid of rejection.
    Thank you

    1. Thank you for your comment, and for reading. I am a firm believer that love is your right. Even if you are shy there is a way to connect with men and show interest without actually pursuing them. What I mean by pursuing is doing more than your fair share of work in the courtship. The kind of work that makes you wonder or question the way someone feels about you. You don’t have to stay single or start chasing men but you do have to put yourself in every possible situation that you can to allow the right men to come your way. And show interest. If you are shy, that’s ok. It just means that you have to work harder to remove the doubt that a good man will come. The only thing stopping you or I, or any else, from having the love that we want is that firm belief that we can have it. Remind yourself daily that love is your right and never argue for your limitations. You are not too beautiful, smart, successful for a man. You are exactly who you need to be and the right man is on his way. Hold onto that belief as strongly as you can and you will attract love sooner than you think.

  14. Thank you for this very helpful blogpage, I appreciate what you have written and have read the whole page very closely.

    I have met a very nice man, kind and well liked. I showed interest and he did as well, at first. Then he backed away. I don’t chase men, don’t ask them out or anything like that. I enjoy talking to them and listening to what’s on their mind, things like that. Alot of men like to talk to me and I enjoy the conversations, it doesn’t seem like flirting so much as just mutual enjoyment of each other. I am confident and like myself, and maybe that’s also what some men like about me.

    So with this man, I can see that he is attracted to me and we talk again now but my gut keeps telling me to just let him set the pace and allow him to move when he is ready. Part of me thinks: that’s not fair! why do I have to sit still and let him show his feelings for me in his time and in his way. He does demonstrate how he feels towards me by being attentive, trying to make me comfortable and expressing his appreciation of me. But – he still won’t ask me out. We just see each other in large social groups and have alot of good friends in common.

    So, that’s why I am here trying to learn how to let go and just be still and allow him to do what he is going to do and just trust the process. It does indeed feel very new and scary, I have never just let a man love me and received it. It can feel very hard to trust. In my fear I want to reach out to him for reassurance but I can’t do that and have to just step back and take care of myself. I am just now seeing that sometimes when I initiate conversations and things with him he doesn’t always like that and shuts down. But when I just be myself and leave him be, then he will show his deeper feelings. I wish he was different, but that’s just the way he is. I also wish I had learned this a long time ago –

    1. Thank you so much for your honesty and your comment. I am a firm believer that the Universe can yield to us what we want and sometimes all we have to do is sit back and receive. The problem with pursuing a relationship sometimes is that it can bring up more insecurities. It can almost make you feel as if you’re forcing someone to be with you. The idea isn’t to do nothing but it’s not to feel like you have to do anything. Too often we feel compelled to act or we will lose the person’s affections. It shouldn’t feel that way. My sentiment is to be patient. I’m glad this was helpful to you.

  15. Miss Solomon, can you personally e-mail me? I would love some in site on a new relationship I am trying to established. I believe i’m doing good! But your way more experienced. I enjoyed what I read today. I keep thinking it’s a race. No patience and I have no one to talk to about my situation because they feel he is to old for me?

    1. Thank you so much for your comment and I apologize for the late reply. I’m happy to email you! Will do so asap and I hope I can still be of some service to you.

  16. This seems extremely general and here’s towards keeping the majority of people whom are willing to listen single. That core group of single people will continue to read and listen to these articles.
    Always paying for the dating apps etc.

  17. I was just making this declaration yesterday. I am traditional at heart and believe in God’s way-courting. I hate to make the first move, especially when I know the guy is interested. I believe if he doesn’t pursue, he’s not into me on the level of a relationship or he’s into someone else. Both are hard to swallow but better to accept that truth than to lose my self respect trying to force something not meant to be. If he wants it, let him come and get it. Thanks Miss Solomon.

  18. I don’t know why there are so many angry comments. Anytime I pursued a guy, he lost interest. “Pursued” means asking him out, and texting/calling him after not hearing from him for a while. They don’t like that. They end up feeling pressured, and in so many words they ultimately say that. But when I’m happy and appreciate things he does, he keeps coming back. In fact, this cute guy I met that I haven’t pursued at all said — after I had a bad day that he happened to witness and help me thru — that he wanted to be there for me, and was happy to be a shoulder to cry on. I gave him a chance on his own terms to show me what he could be in my life. Great advice — and I’m a major feminist. But guys are just wired this way.

  19. It seems that a lot of women don’t know their worth. It also seems that there are men who have been rejected and afraid with the combination of misunderstnding manhood. A lot of men and women play games. At the end of the day, if a man is interested in you he will let you know it and he will pursue you. The motive of his pursuit can be for a relationship or purely sex. It is the woman’s job to know her worth and to know what she wants. If she wants sex and he’s after that, then be mature and voice the desire. Sex won’t keep anyone with you..so don’t use it for negotiations. As a woman, men want to know you need them and want them as well. Our job is to appropriately respond to him by being an encourager and letting him know that you find him to be (quality, ethical, honest etc.) and that you like those things about him. You don’t have to be something that you aren’t for a man to pursue and like you. You just have to give him and yourself time to get to know one another. That requires being real and disciplined. Especially if you want a relationship. The problem is that people haven’t done the soul work for themselves and therefore they don’t know who they are. They are not yet a whole person. This is where understanding personal value comes in at. This is where true attraction stems from. The core of who you are. You will Attract the essence of who you are. You don’t know who some one else is until you spend time listening to and watching them. If you feel rushed and are not able to listen and watch, then that is a sign all its own. As a woman, I know it feels like no one will ever come along if you don’t pursue it. That’s not true. I have found that manly men want to pursue and protect you. When you take that away..they then lose interest. There is no set way to obtain the relationship you want. You do however, whether male or female deserve a good relationship. That takes communication and honesty and knowing what you want.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment and I absolutely agree. I couldn’t have said it any better. All of us, (western world and elsewhere) we struggle with feeling like we’re enough. We can’t stay patient in a relationship because we don’t feel worthy. The fear of being alone and the good feeling that can comes from attention make us incredibly susceptible to game players. When a man wants to date a woman, his actions will always speak clearly and louder than his words. When a woman is interested her words are clear and powerful. The intention of this article is to understand that if a man’s actions aren’t clear and they don’t match his words don’t take that as a sign to work harder for him. A man that wants to be with you should take action to make that happen. Thanks for the insights!

  20. This is to take with a bit of salt. I think women call the shot. For a man to approach you you need to send him “signals” that you are available then if he picks up on the signals and his interested he will make the move.

    From my experience the men that approaches women without being given signals play a ” number game” and have approached many many women until they find one that reciprocate.

    I agree a woman should not chase a man; but you still need to show interests and make him feel good about himself in the flirting process. They are human too and needs appreciation as much as we do.

    I would say ladies if you like someone, signal it (prolonged eye contact, smile, go and say hi and have a chat) if he likes you he ll reciprocate and take the lead. If he does not; he ll be polite but stay aloof and your intuition is a fair guide. In the latter case, just enjoy your party and leave it there. Simple :)) worst case scenario you ll make friends and maybe he ll later introduce you to a great guy!

    Enjoy life, don’t over analyse and don’t have to much expectations – just enjoy the moment!


    1. Thank you for your comment, I totally agree. If you’re engaged and flirtatious then you have a great chance of the man taking things further. The point I want to add, or emphasize, is that if you’re dating or flirting and you want commitment from a man I believe a woman shouldn’t force it. She should tell the man what she wants of course but if he is dragging his feet or taking her for granted then move along. Any man, in my opinion, that is on the fence about a woman and not pursuing her in a way that will lead to a relationship should be left alone. Women shouldn’t pursue men for relationships, or commitment because it puts a lot of stress and pressure on both parties. It might be an old school opinion but I truly believe in letting the man lead the relationship to commitment. Thanks again for reading and sharing a comment.

    2. This is a very wise insights indeed. It must have come from truly experienced woman who have been there and done that. I agree with every sentence. Very true 100%.

  21. Recently met a man who was very interested, I wasn’t but gave him a chance. Now I am interested and he appears not to be. Maybe he was looking for a fling from the beginning and now realizes I want a serious relationship and don’t plan to have sex with him or anyone until I am a true partner.

    His behavior has gotten so bad he calls me in the evenings or texts me and wants to come by to hang out and I have to block him so I don’t get the urge.

    I told him to only call me in the day to do activities (we both are looking for new jobs) but he doesn’t so I have my answer regarding his TRUE feelings towards me and it hurts but at least it saved me from being used by him, giving this too much time and heartache later on.

    Good to wait a little with these guys and men are their actions and not what they say. That is my relationship advice!

    1. Thank you for reading and sharing your story. I know many readers can relate. Congratulations to you for setting strict boundaries. Just remember that the way people treat you is not a value judgement. You are deserving of what you want and sometimes people come into our lives to make it more clear to us what is truly important. Hold onto your values and feel proud of yourself for being strong. Remind yourself that you are on the right path. This guy is just one indication. I like to use the example that when you’re driving on the highway and you see a sign to your destination, you don’t pull off at the sign and stay there. Just because you got a glimpse of what your destination is doesn’t mean that you should pull over and start a relationship with this man. Keep going. The right man is on his way, and you’re on the right path. And I absolutely agree, it’s good to wait until the right person comes. I hope this was helpful.

  22. As a man I don’t mind pursuing women, but it’s nice to have a woman pursue too (At least it shows you that people out there like you). What I find annoying is adults (emphasis on adults) who plays idiotic games. Like making plans to meet up and then all of sudden cancel or not respond when date is near. I’ve had a lady who first told me we won’t work out, and the next week she’s like “I miss you, let’s meet up) and then date for meet up came – guess what? She’s busy? Few weeks later I called her and she did it again saying we need to meet up and then same thing happened again. So I simply stopped pursuing.

    Why do ladies do that anyway? It boggles the mind. If you know you are not interested in someone romantically but they do – Don’t hand around them and loop their poor heads in a nought.

    And there men feels same too, as most of the time if we do the chasing, we will be labelled as needy, so we tend to not want to chase because women sees chasers as weak and not confident.

    1. Thank you so much for reading and thank you for your comment. Its incredibly annoying to have someone play hot and cold when they know that you’re interested in them. It’s unfortunate that adults have such poor communication skills and are actually afraid of saying they aren’t interested in someone. I feel for your situation and I believe many people can relate. What I find common as well, which is what I really wanted to address with this articles is that if someone is doing the bare minimum to keep you around then it’s not enough. If you’re pursuing someone and it’s rewarding then great but if you’re pursuing someone and they act aloof or neutral about you then it’s time to split. I hope you steer clear of anyone who isn’t crazy about you. Don’t settle for someone who keeps you confused or guessing about their feelings. I hope this was helpful.

  23. Great article! I am all for men pursuing women. The problem is that most women are just not worth being pursued.

  24. I have an issue. My ex, who I love and still want to be with, got married 2 years ago, to one of his exes that he told me he knew their relationship would never work long term. We had been apart, he moved out of state, for two years but still communicated from time to time, mainly because he would reach out. He told me when he go engaged and wanted to be platonic. I was heartbroken and didn’t want to see or talk ever again. He told me that he loved me and would always try to see me and talk no matter what-which he has done.

    He came to town a couple months before his wedding for his birthday and I agreed to see him, one last time. He again told me how much he loves me but I pulled away. He’s getting married to someone else!!!!! Fast forward, he got married in September. Then popped up at my office in December. I was shocked and upset that he didn’t respect my choice to not see him again. Seeing a ring on his finger was sickening!!!! I dismisses him and that was that, except for happy birthday and holiday texts or text telling me he’s in town and wants to see me and can’t stop thinking about me.

    Now issue is. He has moved back here without her and he wants a divorce. Says he can’t stop thinking about me and wants to give us another try once he is divorced. He hasn’t told her yet and still had his ring on but I told him that I feel the same way but cannot see him again until he’s single.

    1. Thank you so much for leaving your comment. That sounds like a very tough situation and my advice to you based on what you shared is this. Think about what makes you happy and let go of the anger. There is no right or wrong when it comes to love and at the end of the day, if he is what you want then you have to go for it. You have to set boundaries but no one can tell you whether this is going to last forever or not. You have to be willing to communicate with him and not make yourself the victim. You’re not a victim. You can choose to believe him or not but you have to judge by how you feel. If you can’t trust your own feelings or instincts then take some time away from the situation to do some self reflection. It’s not about choosing the wrong thing it’s about how you feel about the choice. I don’t have the answer and I know this is probably tough for you but you are not a bad person for keeping him at bay. You’re also not a bad person for wanting him back. Stop being so hard on yourself and give yourself the chance at happiness whatever that looks like for you. I hope this was helpful.

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