There are two fears that single people have. One is dying alone having never been loved and the other is coming across as desperate. The latter is so strong that most men and women go out of their way to appear busy, uninterested, and unavailable when they are dating. There is so much advice centered around this concept that the phrase ‘hard to get’ is readily used but rarely applied.
Likely you’re reading this post because you fear that your actions when interested in someone might be getting misconstrued. What is so wrong with showing someone that you like them? Before you learn how to avoid coming across as desperate in dating, you must learn what desperation really means and how it translates in the dating world.
Anyone can come across as desperate. The most beautiful woman to the richest man in the world can act thirsty when faced with a very strong desire for someone else. Sometimes the desperation doesn’t spawn from wanting a relationship but fear of losing one. While your actions will forever be misinterpreted in dating – you might come across as interested when you’re not or uninterested when you are – there are three factors that will make anyone seem desperate even if they are not.
Everyone has options when it comes to dating but they don’t always act like it. If you have been single for a long time then you are well aware of where you fall on the options spectrum. You either believe that you have a wide variety of partners to choose from and that anyone you are interested will want you or you believe that you don’t. Of course some people fall somewhere in the middle. They might not like the options they have or fail to see the options they could have.
That kind of scarcity thinking is what makes the most innocent of people come across as desperate. They have an idea that they are so rare that there aren’t enough qualified partners for them. Or they believe that what they want is so special that it comes in limited supply. Maybe your experience has caused you to come to this conclusion but anyone who believes in scarcity will come across as desperate in their actions, even when they don’t feel desperate.
Being desperate or thirsty isn’t a label applied to anyone who seems to have ‘options’ in the dating world. Take an athlete or a supermodel. These kinds of people are seen to have options when it comes to dating because they possess characteristics that other people value such as money, talent, and looks.
If you don’t present yourself as someone who knows that they have ‘options’ in the dating marketplace then you will come across as being desperate.
The caveat is that even if you appear to be someone with options, if you are not exercising those options and are afraid of dating – like shying away from people flirting with you or afraid to ‘put yourself out there’ then you will come across as desperate. When your audience feels that your actions are only directed to them because you couldn’t find someone else like them, then even the most innocent of gestures like sending a texting or calling might come across as desperate.
No one will turn down the attention of someone they are sexually attracted to. Ever. If you are curious to why your advances were dismissed as desperate or thirsty then its simple; that person didn’t want to have sex with you. It could be that they have already has sex with you and are tired of you, it could be that you don’t meet their attraction standards, or they could be turned off by some other aspect of your physical appearance or personality.
If you are pursuing someone or engaging with someone who doesn’t find you absolutely f*ckable then you will be labeled as desperate or thirsty. Sexual attraction isn’t about sex or looks, it’s about desire. Desire comes from anticipation. It’s an awareness of what you don’t have and the possibility of what you could have. If someone doesn’t see you as a fantasy or feel stimulated by the thought of being with you (sexually) then anything you do that appears to be suggestive will seem desperate.
Don’t be confused with the idea that you are ugly and by default unattractive. The most beautiful men and women get curbed all of the time because they have lost the desire of the other person. Someone could be sexually attracted to you and look at you as a conquest. Once they get to know you and the excitement of winning you over is gone they can label you desperate. As if you are holding onto something that is already over.
This can be confusing because at some point they did want you and they did find you attractive which is why they started dating you in the first place. It’s up to you to identify if they are really interested in you or just having sex with you. If it’s the latter then they will label you desperate for doing the exact same thing that got them interested in you in the first place.
If you are dating someone but you don’t have the respect of the person that you are trying to date then you will come across as thirsty or desperate. Respect comes when you respect yourself and you have set clear boundaries. Anytime your values or standards clash with the person you’re dating you risk losing their respect if you don’t set boundaries. If you bend on your boundaries for them, you risk losing their respect.
Anytime you compromise your standards for someone else, you risk losing their respect and then your actions will come across as desperate. Compatibility is the stem of this shift because the moment the other person feels that the two of you aren’t compatible they will begin to see you differently. If you pursue the relationship, or are unaware of that incompatibility, they will lose respect for you. It boils down to recognizing whether someone likes you or if they are just putting on an act.
Are they going through the motions to get something from you or are they truly trying to win you over.
If you’re dating someone who is compromising your standards then you are not compatible with them. If they know that and continue to date you then they are playing you. If you don’t know that then you are playing yourself. Your inability to judge compatibility causes the person that you’re dating to lose respect for you. Just because someone is giving you the time of day doesn’t mean that they respect you.
To put it simply, what makes you look desperate is not appearing to have options in who you want to date, not being sexually desired or mastering your sexuality, and not being respected (sometimes not respecting yourself). So now that you better understand what makes you come across as desperate you can gauge for yourself if your behavior fits these categories.