How would you like to be powerful?
If you don’t know the rules of dating you probably think that having the power is a bad thing. This is why most men and women give their power away so quickly. It’s scary to be powerful. It’s intimidating. To some singles having power is a negative trait. There is a natural assumption that having power means that you will negatively influence the people that you’re dating.
We’re accustomed to those who have power using it in a negative way. Think about the last person that you dated who knew they could get you to do almost anything for them. Did they respect your loyalty and devotion or did they misuse it, or take it for granted. Even when the opportunity arises for some of us to have power in our relationships, we shy away from it. But, why? So what is power anyway?
Power: (1) ability to act or produce an effect.
My favorite definition of power is simple and to the point. It isn’t negative or overwhelming. Power is the ability to produce a desired effect. It can mean getting what you want from your dating life. Whether you embrace the power and influence that you have in dating, you should understand that someone in the relationship will have it. Why shouldn’t it be you?
The first key to having power in dating is by claiming that you want it. To a large degree you have more power than you think, because you have autonomy. Who you pursue is up to you. Who you agree to spend time with is up to you. As long as you make choices based on your desire, then you have power.
If you choose to accept this fact you can begin to change the way that you date. If you ignore this fact, you will date from a position of weakness. Having power does not mean that you make others do what you want. Like the definition states, it’s the ability to act or produce an effect.
If you want to maintain power in your love life you must institute the following as law.
Set boundaries
The way people treat you is based on their personality, values, and beliefs. You can’t change what a person values. You can however, set your boundaries and convey your values so early in the courtship that others want to mirror them to show compatibility. The way to do this is to be anchored in who you are. Too often single adults want to seem like blank canvases. They refuse to set boundaries because they’re afraid to tell the other person “No”. They believe that if they set boundaries they will be rejected, so they accept behavior that they don’t like or they do things that they don’t really want to do. They people please.
By setting boundaries early you make it easier for others to get to know you and as a result trust you. Those who we trust have influence. By setting boundaries you create structure in the relationship, and set the tone for what happens next.
Attract the right people
In today’s world we under estimate how many people we will meet on our path to love. With Internet dating the exposure to other singles has increased exponentially. We under estimate how many of the people we date will be wrong for us, and we over index our ability to weed out the wrong people quickly.
Single adults often attract the wrong people. It’s a byproduct of the volume of options we encounter. Instead of expecting to be wrong about who we date, we feel weakened by our experience. Even when many adults have met the right person, or feel as they have, it’s revealed that they’re wrong. Instead of quickly rectifying the situation most singles just forfeit their power and let the wrong person precede into their life for fear of being alone.
You can attract the right person by moving on from the wrong people as quickly as possible. When we are brave enough to end relationships or to stop ourselves from dating the wrong people even if its convenient, we are dating with power.
Exercise emotional discipline
The way you feel is up to you. Our emotions are a thoughtful interpretation of what our body physiologically experiences. We are triggered by our experiences and act out when our needs are not met. The powerless are quick to react emotionally. We were practiced from childhood to throw tantrums in order to get attention, so the weaker party are constantly throwing emotional fits for the other person’s attention.
This leaves most singles feeling embarrassed and even more powerless.
Before you succumb to any unwanted emotion, or an emotion that doesn’t feel good, stop and ask yourself, ” When was the first time I felt this way.” Pain is the memory of the past. We have past wounds, that dating triggers, we feel uncomfortable then we act irrationally.
When you can identify the trigger, and the person responsible for the original wound, you don’t need to hold the person that you are dating accountable. You can live in the present and whoever is the most present and aware, has the most power.
Exercise self-control
Without self-control you can have no power. Who can you influence if not yourself? Who would listen to you if you ignore your own instructions. The practice of power on yourself is proof not only that you have it but that you want to own it. If you fail to yield power over your own life, the way that you feel, and your behavior, you will feel it impossible to be influential. Instead, your sporadic outburst will lead you to follow the guidance of someone else more calm, and controlled. You will likely go against your own will, to do theirs.
To have self control is to choose your outcomes first. Know exactly what you want to happen, and then ask for it. If you are good with “whatever” then you become a follower.
Be patient
‘ A gentleman is just a patient wolf’. If you’ve heard this saying then you know that it means patience is the key to success. Wait patiently in dating and you will have the power. Slow and steady wins the race once the goal is in mind. Know where you would like to take the relationship and be patient as your plans unfold.
Many singles want to rush a relationship because they are lonely. They are more eager to have certainty than they are to have a partner. If you rush your relationship you are acting desperately and the desperate are rarely powerful.
Recognize where you have sole control of yourself, your life and your outcomes. Commit to living from a position of power and strength. Know that you deserve exactly what you want, and when you see the opportunity to set the tone, do so.