Do you believe that there is a right and wrong way to date? Well there is, and most single adults are doing it wrong. The first step to dating the right way is to understand the purpose of dating. We meet more people today than ever before. The average person will cross paths with thousands more people than in past generations. It is in fact, the easiest time in history to meet people. But it takes more than meeting people to start dating the right way.
To understand the difference between dating the right way and doing it all wrong, the distinction of what dating is needs to be made. Dating is not spending time with a bunch of strangers hoping to build a connection. Dating is not meeting once, and then writing off each Tinder match one by one. Dating is the process of getting to know someone as a means of establishing their viability as a partner.
Dating Someone Vs. Meeting People
In the past, the challenge of dating was meeting people. You would need to place a personal’s ad, attend an event, or singles mixer, even solicit your friends for candidates, just to meet a potential match. The value in most of those scenarios, is that some of the vetting is already done for you. Only those who felt they fit the description would reply to your personal ad. A blind date from a friend, or family member, came with the referral credibility of the relationship.
In today’s world with the invention of online dating, meeting people is no longer a problem but vetting them is. Dating is used as a screening process for partnership when it should actually be used as a getting to know you process for a pre-approved paramour. The reason dating feels awful is because instead of screening a potential love interest before meeting in person, most singles use the date to do the screening.
That’s way too late in the process. If you’re waiting until you are on the date to decide if this person is right for you or not, then you are dating the wrong way.
You Don’t Screen Your Dates
When you meet someone in person, and agree to go on a date with them, you’ve already assessed a few things about them that matter to you. You know what they look like, and have formed an opinion about their grooming habits. You know what their voice sounds like, and you’ve determined it’s pleasing. You’ve encountered their pheromones and believe that there is, or could be, chemistry between the two of you. From this point on going on a date is just a further evaluation of compatibility, and getting to know the person.
If you don’t meet in person, but online prior to making the date, you now have to establish a baseline of knowledge about who this person is. This is the screening process and it should be done thoroughly. If you skip the screening process when you’re dating, you will end up on too many dates that you don’t enjoy.
The hesitation single people have is the fear that if they are too rigorous it will chase potential suitors away. The reality is, anyone who is serious about you won’t want to waste your time. If you screen your date, by requiring a phone call, or Facetime, before meeting and they decline, then that’s all the information that you need to know. Someone who wants to be in your life for the right reasons, wants to get to know you. Five minutes of their time is the least that they can give.
So how do you make the screening process happen quickly when meeting online or in person (if the interaction was brief)?
Talk on the phone.
Text on the phone instead of via the app
Google them – yes!
If you are dating for fun, then screening doesn’t make much difference, but if you are looking for a serious relationship, you have to know what you’re getting into before you commit your time. Otherwise you’re wasting it.
You Don’t Ask The Right Questions
Some singles screen with superficial information but if you really want to date effectively you have to ask the right questions. Questions that answer; what kind of partner are they? The first date is meant to be fun. If you’re not ready to drop the heavy Q & A like – have you ever cheated – on the first date, that’s not a big deal. By the second and third date however, you should have the answer to every question that is important to you.
Do you see me as a friend, or are you interested in dating?
Are you looking for a relationship?
How long was your last relationship and how long ago?
Whatever matters to you, when it comes to finding a good partner, you should know by date three. There should be no guessing when it comes to must haves. If you are neglecting to ask for important information then you are failing to get to know your date. You should ask yourself, what you really know about the person that you’re dating, and vice versa. What do they really know about you?
You Don’t Reject Anyone
Women especially have a tendency to “see”. This is the habit of not being interested but willing to be presently surprised. If you screen your dates, and ask the right questions, then you don’t have to “see” if a guy is right for you. You will know.
No matter who you are, everyone at someone point will have to reject an admirer. The reason we don’t is because some single adults feel way too grateful when they realize that someone else is interested in them. They try to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and they avoid rejecting anyone because they don’t want to “hurt their feelings”.
The reality is this: most people are single not because they date the wrong people, but because they date the wrong people for too long.
No matter how grateful you are for the attention, the moment you realize that you are not interested in someone, is the moment that you have to end the courtship. Dating comes with an element of elimination. There are seven billion people on the planet, and all of them aren’t right for you. If you never say no, to the wrong people, then you’ll miss out on the right people.
You Are Too Picky
When you are considering a serious relationship with someone, you should be incredibly picky. When you are in the screening process you should let in as many options as interested. Properly screening your dates allows you to cast a wider net. You don’t have to physically go out with every one that shows you interest. Those who are not good matches usually have a way of self-eliminating. Too often, singles use physical dates to do their screening. Because of this they become incredibly picky with who they go on a date with.
The screening process is meant to be filled with as many potential dates as possible. When you start to ask the right questions, and have phone calls with your would be suitors, the wrong be tend to drop off. You should be incredibly picky about who you spend your time with. You shouldn’t be picky about who you screen.
Don’t rely on your bias or judgement. You don’t have to give everyone a chance in person, but if they want to submit an application for further review, let them.
Your Outcomes Aren’t Clear
Why are you going on the date in the first place? Are you trying to learn something about your date that you can’t learn in a phone call? Why are you going on a second date? Are you ready to ask the deep questions, and find out if you’re compatible? Are you bored, and killing time, or are you looking for a life partner?
The biggest sign that you are dating the wrong way is that you don’t know what you want.
You have to decide what you’re looking for before you start looking for it. Before you embark on the process, decide what you will consider success. Are you trying to meet people, are you looking for a committed relationship? How will you know that you’ve reached your goal, if you never set one?
Most people don’t believe that what they want exists so they try a bunch of different people on, hoping that something will fit. The concept that you’ll know it when you see, only works if you’re clear on what you want to see.