You’re at a bar, you see a good-looking person.
They seem single so you make your way over to say hello. You know how to open the conversation but how do you keep them interested in talking to you as long as you want to? Let’s say you’re on a first date. The initial questions are out of the way and you’re starting to run out of things to say. What do you do? What do you talk about?
Keeping the conversation interesting and engaging isn’t difficult. It involves the single most important element of seduction: intention. There has to be intention involved because when it comes to attachment either you will be attached to them or your date to you. Which would you prefer?
In this post, I’ll share the five behaviors that will evolve your exchange from a casual encounter to a deep bonding experience.
MEANINGFUL PAUSES
Do you ever find yourself anxiously waiting to speak in a conversation because you have the perfect response to what the other person just said?
Do you find yourself almost talking over your date or interrupting them because you’re ready to share your perspective?
Most of us are terrible listeners. By the time the other person has finished their point we’ve constructed a witty rebuttal that you’re dying to share.
The next time you’re in conversation and you feel yourself getting excited and overzealous take a moment and pause. Meaningful pauses create the right kind of tension in the conversation. It’s in the spaces that connection is made.
Practice pausing a few seconds between responses. This makes you seem collected and confident.
A very nervous person tends to talk too much and too fast. Pausing makes you seem thoughtful, controlled, and relaxed which is comforting to the person you’re speaking with.
EYE CONTACT
Women are notorious for shooting their friend the “help me” eyes when accosted by a man they’re not into. With a subtle raise in their eye brows they send an SOS to be rescued from the unwanted conversation. This subtle cue is unmissable to anyone maintaining positive eye contact.
Men aren’t as subtle when they’re uninterested or distracted but eye contact is a great indicator of interest. If the person you’re hitting on or on a date with looks in every direction but at you then you’ve lost control of the conversation.
It’s important to notice what the other person’s eyes are focused on. If it’s not you there is a problem. Eye contact displays confidence. If you aren’t making strong eye contact because you’re nervous then your date will assume that you’re not interested or they’ll pick up on your insecurity and lose interest.
You have to hold the gaze in the triangle; eyes, nose and mouth, as long as you can. This small gesture can work wonders for bonding you and your date, or potential date.
MIRRORING
When you’re engaged in conversation, and paying attention to the energy of the person you’re speaking with, you instantly notice their body language. Small gestures such as eye contact, crossed limbs and turned shoulders all tell a story.
You should be acutely aware when your date leans into you or if they are tightening up and closing off. A great way to absorb the mood of your date, or target, is to mirror their body language.
If they touch their hair then you touch yours. If they scratch their shoulder with their right hand then take the opposite arm, just like a mirror, and scratch yours.
The idea is to show them a reflection of themselves to build familiarity.
There is no one we like more than ourselves. Sometimes this can make a person self-conscious so make sure to be fluid and natural in the movements. The idea is to stay engaged and in tuned to how the other person is feeling.
ASK GREAT QUESTIONS
A great question is one that requires thought.
If a person looks toward the sky either left or right it means you’ve asked a thoughtful question. They are searching their memory. Great questions are open ended and don’t have yes or no answers.
They are not questions that one would hear everyday. Great questions are designed to make the other person feel good when they answer them. They are reminded of what’s important to them, whether a cherished moment, a dream or a loved one.
If you feel a lull in the conversation don’t be afraid to shift gears and ask a question that’s thought provoking even if that wasn’t the initial topic of conversation. Remember that people also love to talk about themselves. Nothing keeps a conversation going than asking someone interesting questions about who other are and what they care about.
AWARENESS
Imagine yourself involved in what seems to be a promising conversation. You might be on a date or just making small talk at the bar. You take a moment to notice your atmosphere. You notice the small subtle details of your subject as well as the overall surroundings of the bar or restaurant; this is awareness.
It’s important to be aware of what’s happening in the conversation and around you.
Awareness can look like different things. It’s giving poignant compliments based on what the person’s wearing, saying or referencing in conversation.
If your date shares a story about skiing in Vail, compliment how adventurous they must be. That’s impressive. Connecting the dots quickly is a great way to show that you’re aware. Being quick is synonymous with being cool.
Capitalizing on opportunities to be chivalrous or kind is another way to show awareness.
Too often we’re careless in our conversations. We want the positive feelings associated with engaging with those we’re attracted to but we don’t play the “game.”
The game in dating is being better than everyone before you. The person you’re speaking with has been on other dates and they’ve been hit on. Playing the game means executing these five skills better than anyone else.
Human beings make decisions by making comparisons. We are judging what we get against what we give and we are constantly impressed by those who seem to offer more than we care.
If you give compliments others never have then another check for you. If you’re more aware, generous, kinder and thoughtful then checks all around for you.
These behaviors can set you apart from others and make you seem more valuable. Being valuable makes you highly desired. I hope this was helpful.