Want to make dating easier, change the way you think about it…
In my many years of writing about dating, I’ve come to realize that most adults want to find love above all else. There is a natural desire in every human being to express love so wanting a relationship is natural.
Relationships are the safest place we can express love and receive it. Simply put, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be single. From birth we were in the presence of a constant “type” of love. Despite how messed up you think your childhood was, you knew or felt love’s presence at some time from grandparents, parents, siblings, friends, aunts and uncles etc.
As adults we lose this luxury. The presence of love isn’t consistent anymore and the older we get the more we miss the dependable love we used to know.
After your first relationship as an adult, every involvement after is an attempt to recreate that first love, over and over.
The irony is, as much as we want to be in love, and loved, we fear it. Most single men and women can’t enjoy dating because they’re petrified of getting hurt. We’ve faced rejection, embarrassment, desperation, longing, pity and painful insecurity in the past and the thought of facing it again is keeps many people single.
There is a risk in dating that the ego will be bruised. By the time you embrace that you don’t like being single, most people realize that they don’t know how to not be. The one question that men and women desperately want answered is this: How do you stop being single?
I’ll give you my advice. This is not fact, this is what I believe will work for you. If you want to get out of the dating field and find a meaningful relationship, even get married, then you have to shift your mentally from fear based to results based.
This means instead of focusing on what you’re afraid of will happen, concentrate only on what you want to happen. This also means getting rid of excuses and focusing on solutions. Stop letting these common negative thoughts dominate your mind.
1. I WON’T FIND LOVE
There is a lid for every pot. This is the truth. You don’t have to find love, it will find you. The key is to be open to the idea that it exists. How can you find something when you doubt it’s existence. You have to become assured that love exists for you and know that with the right attitude accompanied with right action i.e getting out and socializing, you will attract love.
2. I’LL BE CHEATED ON
Success leaves clues and so do liars. You will only be cheated on if you refuse to 1. Listen to your gut when you start to get suspicious, and 2. Ignore red flags. There is no shame in being cheated on in dating but you have to be strong enough to walk away from the cheater. To avoid a cheater you have to first avoid a liar.
3. I‘M NOT SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH
There are inmates that have girlfriends on the outside. You can find a partner that will accept you exactly where you are in life but first you have to accept you. If you place value on material worth and not integrity or personality then you may suffer from feeling inferior when it comes to your level of success.
The reality is we are all looking to express love. Once you’re a safe place for someone to share their feelings, needs and inner desires you will be a catch.
4. I WON’T SATISFY MY PARTNER SEXUALLY
The best way to fulfill anyone’s needs is to first know what they are. We like to make assumptions for others based on our personal experiences, that’s fair but not always accurate.
Don’t make assumptions for what someone else’s needs or wants. The best way to know if you can meet a need is to hear it from the person you’re dating. Until you truly know what someone else wants don’t be so quick to say that you’re not it or you can’t provide it. That’s just an excuse.
5. I’M NOT LOVABLE
There are some people, myself included, who have felt or feel fundamentally unlovable. This is as legitimate a feeling as being depressed but it’s something that you can get over. First, recognize you feel this way and instead of doubting others’ feelings for you chalk it up to your condition.
It’s ok that you feel unlovable but recognize that it’s how you feel not an actual fact.
Working through this perception takes a combination of loving yourself and receiving love from someone else. The key is to choose high value partners and allow them the opportunity to get to know you. Don’t reach for low hanging fruit because it feels safe. Stretch yourself out of your comfort zone.
6. THE PERSON I LIKE WON’T LIKE ME
The only way to know what someone else wants is to ask. Too many singles discount their value because they believe they are not what someone else wants. We assume that the people we are interested in want perfection. Besides race and religion everything else is negotiable.
Don’t discount yourself or someone else superficially. What the person you like is looking for is someone they can have a great time with, be playful with and are sexually attracted to. If you can meet this basic criteria then you are compatible with more people than you think.
7. THE PERSON I LIKE WON’T LIKE THE REAL ME
If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love someone else. The issue isn’t whether or not who you want to date will accept the real you. The issue is if you’re capable of conveying who the real you is. Many of us think we’re sharing our story when we’re really putting on an act.
We think we are being authentic but we’re actually being an over rehearsed, canned version of ourselves.
If you know who you are then you can share that person with anyone whether you’ve known them for five minutes or five years. In order for someone to like the real you they have to see the real you. The sooner the better. Don’t wait too long for the real you to surface, it could be too late.
8. I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING
You have not tried everything when it comes to dating. You’ve done everything that doesn’t work but you haven’t done the things that do work. The key to getting results in dating is spontaneous right action: doing the right thing at the right time. It starts with following your instincts.
Go the party, leave your desk for lunch, talk to that stranger on the bus or stop at Target on the way home. We feel the urge for a quick second in our gut but we ignore it. What results are missed opportunities to meet the right people.
You have already come in contact with several potential dates, they are behind you in line, in the next aisle over, or right across the street.
The only reason you haven’t met them is because you operate from the mindset that they don’t exist, that they are not there. When you do see them or come in contact with them you are taken by surprise and you don’t know what to do or say. Spontaneous right action means preparing for these moments and following your gut so you know exactly what to do or say when you’re in contact with a potential date. Follow your gut. Let it lead you to the right moments and what you say to start is, “Hello.”
Admitting that we think these thoughts scares and embarrasses us. We like ourselves, right? We know that we’re worthy of love right? So why do we think so negatively about our chances of finding it?
Let go of the negative excuses, disguised as a belief, that could be keeping you single. Choose the thoughts that serve you and your mission to attract love and nothing else. I hope this was helpful.