I was a late bloomer. Incredibly late. I didn’t start dating until I was 18 years old and my first real date, which meant dinner and a man footing the bill, was at a small restaurant in Brooklyn.
He was a light-skinned Haitian I’d met Labor Day weekend at a flag party. And I hit on him. Even then with all of my inexperience I felt like men needed a push more often than not. And so my fumbling, bumbling dating life began, a downward spiral of semi- okay to downright tragic. For years I wondered, how someone with so much potential could be failing so miserably at dating? I’m sure it’s a question all singles ask themselves. You’ve wondered this right?
You’re smart, interesting, attractive (in most some circles) and certainly a catch. You would make a really great first choice but will settle for third as long as you’re chosen correct?
The key to successful dating however is to be the one who does the choosing.
How? How do you become someone with all the options in the world instead of filtering the shit out of your Ok Cupid profile pic just for winks and messages?
You can’t care about failing.
No matchmaker has a 100% success rate. Especially when it comes to bind dates or first dates. We aren’t concerned with choosing the wrong person and you shouldn’t be either. You can’t concern yourself with all the people that won’t want to date you, no matter how many you think that is. You can’t focus on those who are never going to be into you no matter how much money you drop or how blowjobs you give.
The beauty about dating is that you don’t need a thousand dates to find “the one”. You can have fun in dating just to meet new people and to get better at it. You can use dating to build confidence but you don’t have to care if you fail at your date. And you only fail if you’re not requested on a second date.
Stop worrying about what this person thinks about you. Share what you like about you. Give your date or potential date your best spiel on how awesome you are.
Have your own rules.
No good matchmaker would send you out into the world without guidelines for success. Whether it’s a two drink minimum, no kissing or sex, or meeting your date there instead of being picked up. Think about what you always do too soon and challenge yourself not to do it.
Don’t talk about your ex, don’t mention that you don’t want kids, and don’t share your secret obsession with ‘Toddlers and Tiara’s’. If you can’t create a link to your failure in past dates then you might need a self-actualization 101.
No one is perfect and I’m sure you made a mistake or two on your last date that you’d love to take back. Do a little assessment and make a checklist of don’ts for you to live by.
You know yourself better than I do so your rules are as good as mine. I always tell myself to shut the f*ck up. I talk a lot.
I make a mental note not to.
Find your sex appeal.
Attraction and chemistry are the ultimate decision makers in successful dating. Don’t doubt this. What makes you sexy? What makes you attractive? If you don’t know the answers then I suggest you make it a priority to find out. Without sex appeal and chemistry you won’t stand out.
If you’re an adult you should be sexy.
There’s no excuse for being cute or coy. If you’re past the age of 25 you realize that desire is important in dating. You have it. Whatever it is that you want, you want it really bad. Your goal is to convey to potential dates that you have what they want, and you are who they want.
The challenge of any dating expert, matchmaker etc is getting you out of your own way. You’re the reason that you either will or won’t have more dates. There are no outside factors holding you back from meeting more people and getting asked out or having potential dates accept your invitation except for your thought process.
You’re holding yourself back because what you believe about dating is wrong. You can start now making changes in your love life and be the picker by deciding that it’s your choice. Up until now you might have believed that you were in a line waiting to be chosen. False. You can choose. Accept that fact.