It’s a very common scenario. You meet a great guy and you feel that there is a connection. Experience tells you that this isn’t just in your mind. You genuinely have the right things in common. The conversation was effortless and enjoyable, plus the chemistry was there.
Judging from past dates, and not your desperation, you assess that there is mutual interest.
After ending the date you text him something simple such as, “I had a really great time.” And then you head off to bed excited to see what happens next.
One day goes by. Another day goes by. And yet another and still no word from the obvious love of your life. So what happened?
Women have been dealing with the ambiguity of men and their motivations for centuries. The point of dating for most women is to find a lasting relationship. If there is mutual attraction and common interest it seems silly not to pursue the courtship. It’s funny that men are considered the hunters but women seem to be the only gender actually ‘on the hunt’.
If a guy finds a woman he connects with and had a great time with, then why wouldn’t he call her? While there are several reasons why a man wouldn’t call – and most haven’t changed in the last decade – they are worth investigating.
He’s Not That Into You
The advice of an era that keeps on advising. It’s natural to dismiss a great date and a little connection as just a one off. For women, finding a man that you deem interesting, sexy, and safe is rare. There are so many duds out there, not to mention the losers who catcall you on the streets or slide into your DMs.
There are men who have nothing to bring to the table yet just want your attention. After weeding through dozens of that “type” a woman is overjoyed to find a man who seems like a potential candidate for marriage. A man… not so much.
Men don’t have a history of dealing with potential.
Even when all the signs of compatibility are there without a compelling reason to pursue you, oftentimes a man won’t. Not being ‘that into you’ is code nowadays for lacking motivation. It’s not that what you felt on the date wasn’t real – it likely was – it just wasn’t enough to spark a true romance. If you were to make the next move and continue to engage with him, it’s likely you’d have a willing participant but we’re still at a crossroads where women want men to ensue in chase.
If he’s not that into you then his motivation and drive for a chase just isn’t there.
He’s Scared (read Insecure)
Today’s man is undeniably lacking in confidence when it comes to relationships. Studies have found that men today have fewer friends and engage in less social activities. A lack of experience in dating has also increased men’s insecurities and fears of rejection.
An insecure man might want to pursue you but won’t know how. Unfortunately, the landscape of dating has changed so much that the average man has experienced a woman explicitly taking charge. A woman who by modern standards ‘knows what she wants’ and goes after the man.
This is a confusing landscape for men who now are starting to believe that a woman who is interested will let him know.
The idea that a man leads in a relationship is intimidating and most men are not leading. The average relationship starts with a mutual interest and level of engagement. The wooing and the romance are all but dead. If a man hasn’t called and you’re committed to traditional ways of courtship, it could be that he feels insecure and afraid of rejection so he just doesn’t take the risk.
He Doesn’t Feel Good Enough
To women having an amazing partner is a reflection of how amazing they see themselves to be for men, it can be intimidating. It’s common consensus that a man doesn’t care how impressive a woman is on paper, he just wants someone who makes him feel good.
If you are a superstar in life and have achieved more or have had more experiences the man in your life (or that you want in your life) might feel intimidated. He might not feel like he has anything to bring to the table and instead of taking the chance, he self-eliminates.
At this point you might be thinking that none of this makes any sense. Even if you are doing better in life, better looking, or more accomplished than your date, it didn’t change the connection in the least. And it’s likely you don’t care about that but the man might and it could keep him from taking things any further.
The reality is that singles today love to test the waters. The man you met might be in a relationship or on the brink of one. Even if he’s emotionally unavailable because of a recent breakup, it’s likely you won’t know.
It takes a few dates to spark conversation on past relationships or at least it should. The first date is just a test to see if you’re compatible with each other. The second date gives an opportunity to dive deeper but not always. Sometimes you’re a few dates in before you discover that he’s only a month newly single and not ready for ‘anything serious’.
Dating in this modern day is littered with men who are just uninterested in effort.
To be fair, most quality men don’t have to do too much. Women in their desperation are more than willing to pick up the slack and be the one who calls, texts, plans and sometimes even pays for the date. A lazy man is one who expects you to do all of the heavy lifting. And as tempting as that might be because he is a really great guy if you prefer something traditional you won’t be chasing him.
This could lead to never hearing from him again but that’s the reality of dating today.
A lazy man is also sometimes a popular one. It’s possible that he’s kept his social calendar quite busy and finds that his dates just keep coming whether he calls them or not. This of course is disappointing and takes away from the feeling of being special that most women want to have.
He might not be calling because he assumes that he doesn’t have to. He feels that eventually he’ll hear from you and if not, there’s always another player on the roster.
The only way to avoid the pain and frustration of not hearing from a guy is to make a date on the date. The best way to be certain he’ll call is to make plans when you’re together. This might feel aggressive, and it is but you can’t leave these interactions to chance. The relationship game is far more aggressive than it’s ever been because the dating game has become so lax. If you don’t solidify plans when you’re together then hoping he’ll be so obsessed with you when you’re apart is a gamble.
If you want to be chased as you should be then you have to make the chase less random. If you don’t have plans then what are you expecting him to text you or call you to say?
Any guy that wants to see you again will commit to doing so when he’s with you. This removes any chance of rejection making life easier for the both of you.