“My favorite example: I have a glass of milk and you have a cup of coffee. We can enjoy our drinks alone, or we can try to make cappuccino together”, says Amelia, a professional relationship coach, and speaker who is based in Amsterdam. Amelia talks about five principles, the understanding of which helps you create a harmonious relationship in a couple.
A common problem – is the wrong perception of mutual love in the relationship and the idea that “the other side do everything wrong, not me”.
Some are looking for a couple only for their comfort, not wanting to add anything to the relationship from themselves.
Love is a gift, and many people want to know how to force another person to love. It turns out that there is a desire to be together, but the form of its expression is incorrect. By the way, dating sites are a good way to meet the right person.
We are not omnipotent and we cannot interfere in the life of another person and in their right to make their mistakes. But people should, first of all, ask themselves the question: “Why do I need someone?”
Many people cannot give themselves a clear answer and some people are looking for a couple only for emotional support, not giving love and care in return.
1. Do not forget about freedom of choice.
In a couple, it is very important to protect each other’s freedom.
The moment you decide for your partner, you deprive them of their freedom of choice. By doing this, you take away from them the responsibility in the relationship, create the illusion of “joint and convenient” solutions, and cultivate the habit of ignoring. Subsequently, this is fraught with the development of a strategy of avoidance or everyday infantile in the couple.
Another question is if you asked your partner directly and they answered you: “Yes, you can make this decision for both of us.” Then, it’s okay. It’s a show of respect to ask and receive the unspoken but very important message: “I trust you” instead of “I don’t care.”
2. Be a researcher, not a judge.
When two different personalities meet, they often separate due to mismatched expectations. For example, when people meet on a dating site like eHarmony, OkCupid, and other dating sites like Luvfree.com for international and interracial singles. They often have completely different expectations and ideas about what to expect from other people.
When we get to know a person, we do not immediately see all their sides but pass their behavior through the prism of our expectations. We see only small details of personality and on their basis, we build hypotheses, create an image in our thoughts. And when our expectations and assumptions do not coincide with reality, disappointment ensues. And everyone forgets how important it is to always check and research your assumptions about a person.
After the disappointment, people become judgmental: they condemn each other. But if they are ready to move on in life, then they will have to become not judges, but researchers. It’s like writing a scientific paper: you ask yourself a question – you check the assumption. But that’s not all: then you ask more clarifying questions to make sure that you and your partner communicate exactly in the same language.
That’s what conversations are for. Before you break up, you need to double-check your whole history as a couple and understand what the reason is: unfulfilled expectations or still unfulfilled agreements. Is it the latter? This means that your decision is correct. “Then it won’t be a shame to part”, and you will not worry that there are some understatements left behind. Don’t forget about dating sites.
If the person did not promise you anything, but you came up with everything for yourself, then it is worth working with your ability to conclude agreements.
3. See the difference between “different” and “mutually exclusive”.
If the one spouse does not want to ski, and the other spouse is tired of wallowing under the palm trees, solutions must be sought. Can’t go on vacation more than once a year? If it is possible – spread the vacation in time, then satisfy each other’s requests. In the process of discussion, it is important to avoid manifestations of pride, the desire to dominate or suppress another.
Another example: the wife’s desire to “make a career” does not exclude the husband’s desire to “have a child.” These are different needs and they can coexist. People often see mutual exclusion where there is none, and the importance of a casual but frank conversation is often underestimated.
4. Not “to be beloved”, but to love.
Of course, there is no need to strictly separate these concepts: this is rationality and the natural desire of a person to be loved mutually. But if the relationship is “broken”, most often it is worth trying to find
the ability to love in yourself.
Everyone wants to be taught how to do so to become loved, and this is a normal human desire. But I explain to my clients: with me, we learn how to love and not how “to be beloved”.
“To be beloved” is to be “comfortable”, and adapt to other people’s needs and desires. But love is so much more difficult and a greater feeling. And people are often afraid of being rejected, and therefore prefer to be “comfortable”, instead of expressing their feelings in a real “frightening” way.
And here it is important – not to start forcing a person like this to love you, but to free a person from their “gift”. And then try to build a better relationship together so that this person understands so that to be truly loved, you don’t need to be “comfortable” or “good” all the time. I keep repeating that dating sites are the modern method.
Moreover, there are a lot of free dating sites.
5. Build an alliance, not a partnership.
A partnership usually works quite simply: “It is convenient for you, it is convenient for me – each of us has closed some need.”
And an alliance is when, in addition to these needs of ours, we can create something new – new meanings, new goals, new projects, a new joint future. The alliance is much broader and more responsible. In a partnership, we are allocated only a certain part, and in return, we are ready to share only a specific set of our capabilities.
In an alliance, the condition of reciprocity and responsible trust must be respected by both parties. Here, synergy and the effect of the alliance are supported not by written rules, but even, one might say, by a moral code.
No matter how much you want to achieve the perfect picture, there are no guarantees in love – it is difficult to limit freedom of decisions by a marriage contract. Love is the case when everyone can show their best and worst qualities, accept or reject one another, love, or be loved.