Many are aware of the mantra: if you want to get rid of the romantic addiction, frustration, and related painful consequences from a failed marriage, you must start dating.
But it is also necessary to date wisely; otherwise, frustration, addiction, and obsession with the former spouse (if you didn’t want a divorce) or promiscuity might just snowball. Today, more and more love stories start on social networks or online apps such as Tinder. While 15 years ago many were prejudiced against this method of connecting, it has now become a widespread tendency. Marriages of couples who met online are no less stable, as marriages, than others. Also, this company has found that the popularity of online dating does not affect divorce statistics.
In general, when speaking of dating after a divorce, it is impossible to ignore online dating and the specifics of building communication before a real meeting in person. Most mistakes are made precisely at this stage – and especially by people who have recently terminated a long relationship.
Here we go – Dating Sites
Dating sites are alluring, but somewhat dangerous places, since you are a faceless object there that is compared with others of the same kind, in age and size. Surely your “candidate” may have an eye on someone younger than you, or with certain physical traits. And for you, the importance of your next candidate is, let’s be honest, quite low. They are just an image and some words to you. Thus a dating site, if used improperly, turns into the same disastrous place as the friend zone.
Therefore, let’s consider the main pitfalls and common failures that can and should be avoided in the online self-presentation process, when trying to meet someone and start communicating.
1. You Start Dating Just Because You Feel Like You “Ought to”
So, the first rule is that you should sincerely want to communicate, and you should be ready for dates and open for fun.
For some reason, many people after a divorce, without any reflection, tend to start dating as soon as possible to fill the void in their lives or in order not to seem miserable because of a broken marriage.
To communicate against your will, to meet people when you’re too lazy, and between the dates to be afraid not to respond, force yourself to be polite, and on the second date, force yourself to think about sex, although you’re sick of that… What good can an attitude like this bring? Not to mention the fact that it is not nice for the person whose time you’re wasting on this sad communication.
If you feel obliged to trudge somewhere, communicate with someone, waste time, and even money, without sufficient desire and compensation, you might get disgusted by the person you’re interacting with, and the whole ceremonial nuisance itself. In this scenario, love-based frustration often develops. A person begins to think: “Oh no, romance is not for me,” and as a result, deprives themselves of an essential and beautiful part of life.
2. Go Big Or Go Home. You’re Looking for “The One”
The opposite of the first mistake is a quick search for “the one.” Here, the person does not rush to meet anyone in real life. In this situation, the background of unrealistic expectations, and your own unwillingness to start a new relationship, make all the candidates seem even more pathetic.
Paradoxically, married people are far less likely to get frustrated on dating sites. Seems unfair, doesn’t it? It would be nice to be done with online dating and stop logging into Tinder forever. However, they always find someone magnificent on dating sites and then are torn between that person and the spouse.
They come to the site just to “browse”… It goes without saying that they don’t message anyone, and it is rather embarrassing to appear there. They message only those that they really want to message. They don’t hurriedly seek dates; although they want this, they delay it. On a date, they try to keep themselves under control. Well, you understand. Forbidden fruit is so much sweeter.
But where are all those beautiful and attractive people when a man or a woman is single and would like to find a partner? Where are they all hiding?
The fact is, no one is hiding anywhere, and you should learn the right approach (that these married people unknowingly have). Find the balance between interest and prudence that is worth discovering in yourself and will lead you towards gratifying dates. Starting with yourself is always a win-win.
You mustn’t consider everyone around you unworthy of such an excellent partner like you. There are so many beautiful single people around! But at the same time, do not show haste and your “hunger.” Be calm, friendly, treat new acquaintances with curiosity and respect.
Do not immediately try to “take” someone with whom you have not even met; and in turn, do not feel obliged to reciprocate. Be open but remain within boundaries. This is perhaps the most important rule for any kind of relationship from romance to family, business, etc.
3. You Act Bossy, But Look Needy
Bossiness. On dating sites, there’s always a lot of “bossy” people who, from the first lines of their questionnaire, are quick to tell you what they want from dating, and give clear instructions to those who want to get acquainted with them.
Considering that they are turning to prospective and even imaginary candidates, this approach is obviously harmful.
Despite possible pain and disappointment, people always crave romantic relationships, because the beauty of romance is spontaneity. There is something in another person that will always amaze and inspire us, something that will always be unique, no matter how similar you are.
A commanding tone takes the spontaneity away from the situation. It’s annoying for a person to carry out your instructions.
An objectively worthy and self-respecting person will not talk to you. Any romantic spontaneity is dead on arrival.
Besides, all these wordings like “I want to get acquainted with such-and-such a person, and so on” make you the initiator of communication, the one who needs more, and the one who asks, even before your first message. You are on the one hand commanding, and indicating purpose, but in reality are demonstrating a deep need.
It is as if you are rigidly filtering candidates in advance, although no one has written anything to you yet. Here lies your hunger, inadequate self-esteem, and a lack of any respect for the interests of others – a denial of their ability to understand how to behave.
Instead of describing yourself in such a way that would arouse interest, you immediately made it clear that you need a partner badly – with immediately set criteria, as if someone has already offered you something. Fatal self-deception!
As you can see, nothing stands between you and interesting acquaintances, a pleasant dating life, and self-confidence. There is no need to learn some ridiculous tricks and manipulations. All the basic mistakes that people make when they start dating are rather simple (and maybe because of this they are almost invisible).
If you want to try to meet someone on a dating site, your goal is to get as many people interested as possible – that’s all. You will “select” when you have someone to select. And even if only total jerks write to you, that could be connected with your profile. Stop thinking that you are a valuable prize by default, and that everyone should know this even before they get to know you.
For some reason, those who consider themselves valuable prizes end up being the most humiliated and more quickly addicted. Stop believing that goodwill and friendliness make you too compliant or too easy. As long as you keep within the boundaries – you always win.
Curiosity, spontaneity, willingness not only to take but also to give (emotions, attention, time) – this is what should lead you to get dating again. And vice versa. If you decide to start dating in a desperate and “hungry” state, needing care or approval, no matter how high you put yourself on an imaginary pedestal in your profile, this is only self-deception – the outcome will be a failure once again.
Listen to your heart, be stricter on yourself, and be honest. And we bet you will soon notice how marvelous the world is, and how many interesting people are in it. Like attracts like!