Dating is a power struggle. It is often stated that men are the gatekeepers of commitment and women are the gatekeepers of sex. In this dynamic, it’s no wonder that men and women can’t understand each other.
The truth is women are indeed complicated. The hardest part of understanding women is recognizing that every woman is different. It’s rare that what one woman finds appealing would attract another, so this can leave men confused.
No matter how much advice circulates about what women want, it’s all going to be vague when it pertains to the exact woman that you’re dating. Despite the differences between women, and their desires, there is one thing that all women want. This is regardless of age, culture, and ideology on dating.
The one thing that women want more than anything, and all women want it – is an affectionate man.
What does it mean to be affectionate?
Comedian Chris Rock once said that women need two things: shoes and compliments. He’s not wrong. Compliments, when given properly, can make a woman feel comfortable and appreciated. It shows an attention to detail, and when done right it can endear a woman to you.
What makes a good compliment is making a statement that doesn’t apply to other women.
Not to be confused with saying a woman isn’t like other women. That is not a compliment. Most women are impressed, if not jealous of other women. To say that a woman is unlike the women she admires is not a compliment but an insult.
What makes a good compliment is telling a woman what about her is admirable to you. Noticing a unique quality that you are genuinely impressed by. What does this have to do with affection?
Like a compliment, affection gives women a sense of appreciation and comfort. Compliments are generally selfless, and they are hard to give because most people are too insecure to appreciate other people. Affection, similar to compliments is something that is GIVEN.
Affection is not just touching a woman.
It’s also not wanting to be close to a woman that you want to have sex with. Affection is touching in the absence of sexual desire. You can show affection to anyone, or thing (pets included) that you like, or appreciation. In fact, affection is the ultimate sign of appreciation.
Think of the way that you play with a dog, or tickle a baby. Seeing their enjoyment makes you happy. Affection is given when there is no sexual attraction what so ever. Not only that, you genuinely want to feel a closeness with another, or with your pet.
Affection with a woman works the same way.
When you are genuinely seeking closeness, and not sexual pleasure or arousal, you can be affectionate with a woman and she will enjoy your company so much more.
So how can you tell when your affection, the way that you touch your woman, is pleasing and not sleazy?
By Your Energy
When you are seeking sexual arousal, or attention from a woman, your energy shifts and women can tell. Lust, in any form, creates a chemical change in the body caused by testosterone, and men literally smell different to women. Even if you insist that the contact is not sexual, a woman will not feel comfortable with you once she picks up your scent of desire.
Her natural instinct is to back away from you and to be guarded.
You have to learn to control your energy by understanding sex and touching are not mutually exclusive.
Too often, the only time men have physical contact with women is in the context of sexual arousal. There isn’t enough playfulness in your energy to disguise desire, or lust. The best way to shift your energy, so that you are focused on affection instead of arousal, is to purposefully practice non sexual touch.
This could be as casual as hugging a friend, playing with a pet, or spending time with a child. If you only consider human touch as a gateway to sexual pleasure, it will be hard to be affectionate with a woman because your body will naturally react upon contact.
You have to control your energy and practice platonic touch when possible.
By the Environment
Just when you strike up the nerve to make a “move” on your date could be the wrong setting to do so. Don’t wait for the mood to be set before you engage in contact with your date. Dating is about creating a connection. You might feel nervous, and your date likely does too but affection is about putting your date at ease without expecting anything in return. Being comfortable with physical contact should be something that you practice and seek out on a throughout the date. You want to create a comfort level with your date. Respect boundaries, of course, but treat your date as you would a friend.
Often times a man is only willing to get close to a woman on a date, when he is ready to kiss her. This makes the interaction very awkward because it’s assumed that a kiss will lead to something more. Especially if it occurs at the end of the date, on her doorstep.
If you want to be affectionate with a woman be sure to put yourself in an environment where there is no sexual context.
The less likely you are to make a sexual advance, the more comfortable she will be with your affection. If you are in a dark movie theater, or a romantic restaurant and you take her hand, your date may feel like you are trying to “make a move” and depending on your energy, might pull away.
If you are casually walking in the park, or in a public coffee shop, and you brush her shoulder, she is more likely to embrace your touch. The environment plays a huge role in the way that physical contact is perceived. Take the opportunity to make your date comfortable by touching in casual settings.
By Your Intentions
Affection is non sexual touch, and play. When you understand that the woman you are with is guarded being affectionate is far more important than being “touchy.” Whether or not your intentions are to have a long term relationship or just have sex, affection is the best gauge of comfort. If a woman is not comfortable with you, she is less likely to sleep with you. There will be times when a woman isn’t interested in sex, but she needs to know that you will still engage in physical touch with her, show her affection.
When woman say, “It shouldn’t be all about sex,” what they mean is show me some affection. The difference between the two is vital for a healthy relationship. Women want to feel that they can be touched, held, appreciated, and cherished without it leading to sex and that is what affection does. Affection is playful, and soothing.
Take the time to be intentional about how you engage with women. Understanding the difference between affection and just touch will make women more at ease with you. The ability to be playful is attractive.