Being single might feel like an inescapable problem. Where do you meet the right person, when will you meet them, and most importantly, how do you get them to like you? The variables that are involved in dating are so overwhelming at times, it makes dating feel like a painful process.
If you’re single you might be asking yourself; why can’t I meet someone?
Maybe you have met someone that sparked interest but you couldn’t get them to commit to you. It can feel so out of your hands, but being in a relationship is a straightforward process than when executed correctly, will yield results.
The truth is, the process for getting into a relationship isn’t taught anywhere. It’s what some people know and others spend their lives figuring out. This type of education is left out of common conversations about dating because adults would rather believe that love is about being lucky and worthy. When it’s actually all about bonding and exclusivity.
If you’re single right now, and you don’t want to be, the reason is because you haven’t decided to be in a relationship. Now that might sound arbitrary but the decision is the first step to the achieving any result. And relationships are no different. They don’t happen by luck, or chance, as movies would easily have you believe. Relationships are formed from intention.
So, how do you get into a relationship?
Step One: Meet the Right Person.
The right person wants what you want full stop. There are no exceptions. If someone doesn’t want what you want because of timing, immaturity, or any other condition, then they are NOT the right person. They are just someone you find attractive.
It’s as simple as gardening. You plant an orange seed to grow an orange tree, or planting a lemon tree to grow lemons. You will only grow what you have planted. If you are watering the foundation of uncertainly and ambivalence, then that is exactly what you till produce.
Signs that they want what you want:
- They are easy to plan with
- They are eager to see you and spend time with you
- They invest at the level that you are investing, (or more)
Anything less is someone who wants your attention at best, or is killing time with you at worst. This doesn’t mean they aren’t wonderful and that there isn’t chemistry there, but they are not the right person for you if you want to be in a relationship.
Step Two: Get to Know Them
How well you know the person that you are dating is your best indication of whether they will commit to you. Oftentimes we spend time with someone but we project our desires onto them. We know who we want them to be, and who we see them as but we don’t actually know them authentically.
When you want a relationship or an exclusive agreement, it’s important that you really know the person that you are dating. When you know them, and they feel like you do know them, they will commit.
In today’s dating world it’s easy to ghost each other because we spend time with people that we don’t really know. A person couldn’t ghost you if that behavior went against their chosen identity. When someone is perceived a certain way, their behavior will match that perception. For example, tell a child that they are a “good” boy or girl, and their behavior will adjust to match that perception. If someone feels like you know them, they can only act in alignment with that identity.
After you have determined that you are dating the right person. You have to get to know them. You have to be willing to ask intimate questions, and see them as who they are, and not who they could be. By date three of four, you should have a very good understanding of the following:
Their daily routine
Their motivations and drivers
Who they see themselves as
Who their closest friends are and who they are likely to tell their secrets to
What they do to unwind, where they like to go
How they like to spend their free time
What they enjoy or hate about work
Step Three: Become Exclusive
Most people over index the decision to be in a committed relationship. It can feel like the moment you decide to call someone your boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to start planning the wedding. Society has widened the gap between dating and coupling, while at the same time closed the gap between coupled and married.
Just because you are dating just one person, doesn’t mean they are the person that you will marry. The modern fear of commitment has stemmed from the long time belief that any relationship that doesn’t end in marriage is a failure. Too many single adults see a relationship that ends as a waste of time.
We know from the divorce rate that this is a flawed premise.
Once you have determined that you are dating the right person, and that you know them fairly well, it’s time to ask for exclusivity. This is an important step because it is easy to be in a relationship once you have stabilized your dating environment. It doesn’t make the person the one, it just means that you are giving this person the opportunity to meet your needs.
If you needs are met proceed to commitment, if your needs are not met, then move on. You are not making a judgment about their personal worth, or character. You are assessing your needs and their desire and capacity to meet them.
This process is done unknowingly by every person who is in a committed relationship. They seem to master the steps with ease. The reason most adults struggle to find a relationship is because they refuse to move on when they realize that they don’t have a willing participant.
Instead of being diligent about step one, they are patient. They allow the wrong people to stay in their lives too long. They refuse to believe in the abundance of eligible partners, so they settle for less than they want from the beginning.
The moment you realize that the person you are dating doesn’t want what you want, is the moment you should walk away, if you want a relationship.