An old belief is like an old shoe. We so value its comfort that we fail to notice the hole in it. ~ Robert Braul
Our personal beliefs dictate our behaviors. The reason you’re still single or unsuccessful in dating is simply due to what you believe. Who you think you should be, who you should think you should date, how you should be dated, where you should meet, and how you should feel while dating are all beliefs that you’ve adopted.
These beliefs have created a standard in your life when it comes to dating and they are beliefs that you should change. Below are the most common beliefs that keep single men and women unsuccessful in dating. Change one belief and your results in love will change.
1. You believe: “People should care about me”
In dating, no one cares about who you are unless:
- You look appealing, sexy, important or powerful.
- You are appealing, sexy, wealthy, important or powerful.
Looks aren’t important but perceptions is. What message are you sending into the world that inspires people to take an interest in you? What tactics are you using to attract the right people to you? What does how you dress, your posture, your attitude and energy tell others about you?
No one will care about you unless you give them a reason to. We live in a very selfish world where most people are only invested in themselves and their own story. Expecting to get a chance to share who you are with a potential date without a significant differentiator is unrealistic.
You have to make others care about your story
A good place to start is by caring about others. Go out of your way to speak to people, hold doors and give compliments. Make it a point to stand out from the crowd even when it feels uncomfortable. Don’t expect to be thought of, considered or listened to unless you have created a story worth sharing.
People are not in the habit of caring about others when they are trying to prove their hot stuff themselves. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you deserve attention because you’re a decent human being. There are too many distractions in this world.
Men that buy drinks for women “get” that if they are offering something, a woman is more likely to be interested. Believing that you’re worthy of conversation because you’re alone and another person is alone is foolery. You have to earn other people’s attention by proving that you’re worthy. This might be a hard pill to swallow but no one has to care about getting to know you. You have to make them care.
2. You believe: “All you have to do is be nice”
Being nice is over f*cking rated. Many adults don’t truly embody the meaning of the word. In fact, the word has become a substitute for the status quo. It’s synonymous with fine.
Stop being nice and start being warm, kind, relatable, understanding, engaging and considerate.
Your belief about what it means to be nice is keeping you from creating truth depth in your relationships. Nice isn’t just being pleasant and even keel. You can be a kind person while being honest, authentic and firm.
If you believe that nice means, not rocking the boat, doing what the other person asks or never having an objection then you are not being nice, your being dishonest.
You don’t have to be nice to anyone. You can be a complete jerk and still attract just as many dates because people respond to emotions. If you make a person feel anything, even anger, they will find you more appealing than if you make them feel nothing at all.
Potential dates don’t respond to nice. They respond to having to earn someone’s respect and approval.
3. You believe: “Always be yourself”
There is a fine line between being yourself and doing what you’ve always done. When a behavior “isn’t like you”, that’s not always a bad thing. Switch life up a bit by creating interesting versions of yourself that accommodate every situation and cater to every crowd.
When you are meeting potential dates you should be the intent listener, and fully engaged version of you. When going on a first or second date you should be the upbeat fun, casual, easy-going version of you. When flirting you should be the sexy, passionate, and elusive version of you.
There is a time and a place for all aspects of who you are to shine. Being a great date is about finding balance between your multiple layers. Who you are is ever changing, and growing. Pay attention to how different people can bring out different sides of you.
Getting stuck just as “yourself” is boring and most people are piss poor at being that person anyway.
Being yourself doesn’t mean saying whatever comes to mind, being rigid in your beliefs or dominating another person. Being yourself doesn’t mean being sloppy, rude, over-opinionated and negative. The idea of just being yourself doesn’t mean being who you’ve convinced yourself you are. Forget about being yourself and focus on who would I like to be in this situation.
Who would have the most fun, who would others benefit the most from and who would gain the most respect? Be that person.
4. You believe: “Everyone deserves a chance”
Why? No really why?
You don’t have to catch every fish in the sea to know which ones you don’t want. If you are not Harvard material, you can’t go to Harvard. If you don’t have BMW money you will NOT be driving an X5.
A friend of mine asked me, “Well what if I meet a man who worked at a gas station should he have a chance?”
You deserve a chance if you meet the other person’s qualifications or they meet yours.
When you aren’t clear about what you want and truly deserve you tend to think that anyone could be ‘the’ one. Not true. You don’t have to give everyone who comes hollering a chance nor will you get a chance with everyone you holler at.
Be clear of who you want to date and why you want to date them. Be cognizant of why someone would want to date you.
It might take some personal evaluation but take it from the car commercials. The best prices are always offered to the most qualified buyers. It doesn’t mean you won’t get the car but it does mean you won’t get the good deal.
Everyone does not deserve a chance with you. This is a scarcity mind set. I don’t have to burn my hand to know that fire is hot. Experience has served me well. If you can’t trust your own intuition then you have bigger problems than finding a date. You should date those who fit your requirements. Not your list.
Give chances to those who have the qualities that you’re looking for. Get really clear on what those qualifications are.
5. You believe: “Talking about myself is bragging”
The biggest mistake that I see men and women making in the dating world are missing opportunities to share interesting aspects about themselves. Sometimes we withhold this information because we don’t want to seem like we’re bragging but its critical to learn how to talk about yourself.
You’re not trying to brag you’re trying to find common ground and build rapport.
When in doubt share your passions and accomplishments. Share what feels good to share. Don’t limit who you are to just your job, kids, family or location. Talk about the dreams and wishes you have that might seem silly to share but could be the glue that builds a new relationship. The easier you can make it for someone to get to know you, or about you, the better off you’ll be in building connections. Get really good at telling your story. Don’t just share what’s negative, even if that is a large part of it, create a balance to your life and your interests.
Sharing your story isn’t bragging. Being a great storyteller is just as important as being a great listener.
Many of these misconceptions come from the belief that you can take the games out of dating. You can’t. You can, however, learn to play properly and have more success while doing it.
You have to enter the dating game prepared to face adversity but knowing that you ultimately control the outcome. Approach the dating world tactfully and realistically, and you will come out on top.
I hope this was helpful.