It should come as no surprise that men and women don’t understand each other. Think about it, we as humans barely understand ourselves. We procrastinate, self-sabotage and sweat the small stuff all the while thinking, “Why did I do that?” We question our value, our worth and our self-esteem fluctuates constantly. We can hardly explain why we are the way we are, without passing blame to our parents, so it should come as no surprise that we suck at understanding the behavior of others.
No behavior is more confusing than that of the person we are trying to date. In this article, I explain some fundamental truths about men that I’ve learned in my many years of working with singles. However, it can apply across the board to almost anyone you’re interested in.
1. Men don’t know what they’re doing.
Duh, nobody does. No one is taught how to date. Why we assume that the person we’re into knows what they’re doing is beyond me. It could have something to do with what we’re fed through movies and television. The man on tv knows what to say, and how to express his interest. He knows when to fight for a girl that he loves, and he isn’t afraid to go to the extreme to get the woman he wants.
In real life, not so much.
Men don’t even know if they should call or text. They are as confused about dating as any of us. In the mind of most men, every woman is different, and I can agree with this. It’s probably been a man’s experience that the last woman he dated hated everything that you like.
In the movies, men are always taking the lead but in the real world men aren’t even sure who is supposed to pay for the first date. There is so much confusion about gender roles in modern dating, that if you expect a man to know how to date you then you’re waiting for a player or a predator. Most people don’t know the rules of dating and men who are charged with taking the lead are the most confused. Knowing that most men don’t know what they’re doing, you should stop wondering why he isn’t calling, why he hasn’t made a move, or why you haven’t had a second date.
It would be amazing if men and women weren’t held back by their insecurities and fear of rejection. It makes dating easier when you decide what you want to do, and just do it. It makes dating easier when you aren’t searching for auxiliary meanings in simple actions. Unfortunately, we are stuck in the belief that the other person doesn’t want us to do take action, or that we’ll look stupid if we make a move. So sometimes we sit and wait for the other person to start and they never do. Sometimes when a man isn’t dating you, its because he doesn’t know how to start. It’s not a value judgment.
2. Men want to sleep with you
You’ve probably heard this before but men like sex. And they want to have it with you. That’s not a bad thing. A man who isn’t pursuing sex, is a man who is denying his primitive instinct to procreate. Subsequently putting the human race in jeopardy. Most men want to know exactly what it will take to sleep with you, and they are typically willing to pay the price. Only you can set a value on your vagina. It’s your responsibility to tell a man what it will take to have sex with you and let him at least try.
It shouldn’t offend you if a man can’t see past sex, or if that is all he wants. It’s not a value judgment, it’s just his choice. If you judge a man by his sexual desire then you might assume that he only wants sex and dismiss him too quickly.
You might even get offended when a man wants, or tries, to pursue sex with you. This is the dance in dating. Someone wants something from another, and the terms of the exchange have to be put on the table or one party feels manipulated. Men want to have sex with you, and by most accounts that’s a driver in their pursuit of you. Don’t be offended or insulted by this. It’s not a value judgement, it’s nature.
3. Men want to figure you out
Humans love to compartmentalize our lives and thoughts. We love to mentally organize things into buckets by meaning so that it makes more sense to us. Men try to figure women out so they know where to place effort and where not to.
Men essentially want to know what you want, and what type of woman you are. This is so he can put you in a box, and deal with you accordingly for lack of a better phrase. The moment that a man thinks he has you figured you out, even if he’s wrong, he will lose interest. This is not to say that you can’t put all of your cards on the table, or that you need to be deceptive with a man.
A woman who knows what she wants, and who she is can be incredibly attractive. Especially if she’s unpredictable, and a man just can’t assume he’s totally won her over. This is also a woman who doesn’t need a man to achieve her goals in life.
A woman that wants a boyfriend, commitment, marriage, and kids who then turns the man into the prey is easy to figure out and also easy to avoid. If a man feels like he’s the prey he’ll run. Controversially, a man wants to figure you out so he knows how to control you. If at any point a man figures out that he is not in control of the hunt, he will likely run. A man can understand your goals, but still work to uncover your motives. Remember that you also need to figure him out, and qualify him as a partner.
4. Men want to have fun
Dating should be fun. If you’re obsessed with getting into a relationship then it can feel more stressful than it should be. Unlike women, men can escape some of the pressures to couple, so they pursue pleasure, and fun above all.
It’s been my experience that men don’t just want to date a woman, they want to have fun with her. They want to laugh, and feel good and enjoy the benefits dating. This should come as no surprise but what a man wants, and what you want, doesn’t have to be that different.
Your kind of fun should include getting to know each other, enjoying laughs and having a good time. Don’t force a man to do what you want him to do as a way of showing that he’s interested. Don’t get stressed out by his behavior and make the courtship feel like work, instead of fun.
Focus on managing your expectations so that you have more good times together and balance your investment based on his. Every moment you spend together should be a fun experience with lots of laughing, smiling and positive vibes. When you’re dating a new guy these great times will determine how far the relationship goes. If you aren’t willing to have the same type of fun together then accept that maybe you aren’t compatible.
5. Men want to be known
Dating can feel a lot like selling. We push our resumes and qualifications in front of other people and we wait to be chosen. Men are not their resumes. They are people. If you want to learn about men, first learn about the man that you’re dating. Try your best to understand who he is as a person and treat him like an individual instead of a means to an end.
A man wants to feel like you want him specifically, not just a body to check you relationship box. Men want to be known, all humans do. That is a core desire.
There are benefits to getting to know a man for who he truly is such as:
- You don’t need to question his behavior.
- You build connection and he bonds to you.
- You increase intimacy and trust.
If a man doesn’t feel understood there can be is little to no intimacy in the relationship and this makes it easy to walk away from. Getting to know the guy you’re dating has to start immediately.
This is where the gender roles confuse us, because we think it’s a man’s job to select the woman. He’s supposed to know, that she is the one. And women in turn wait to be chosen, instead of qualifying their dates. You have to get to know him, and not just his game.
Remind yourself that you are the chooser, and you want to get to know the person that you’re dating the best you can. You are only judging on compatibility. If you find yourself using any other criteria to find a partner then you’re dating for all the wrong reasons.