When it comes to dating advice there are fundamental rules that I believe all adults should live date by. Regardless of what you believe about the person that you’re dating or who you think you should be dating, I urge all adults to be realistic.
Reality is something that can mean different things to different people.
How can that be, you might ask, but I find consistent evidence of adults in unrealistic dating situations and/or relationships. It typically begins as you get to know the person you’re dating. We tend to lie about ourselves a little until we’re comfortable being who we really are around the person that we like.
It’s not a bad thing.
Maybe you go to a Chinese restaurant and it takes you about six dates to admit that you don’t care much for Chinese. It happens. What’s important is to allow, the person you’re dating to change and express themselves how they are, not how you have become accustomed to them being.
This isn’t always an easy task because we like them the way we think they are. As they begin to show their true colors we are afraid to accept the changes because it challenges what we already believe to be true. Most adults do not like their truths to be challenged. Then you have to come to the shocking realization, which has been my experience, that you’re dating an asshole. But how did this happen?
Because you didn’t let the truth speak for itself. When it comes to knowing what is right, wrong, normal or unusual, humans have a tendency to make rationalizations instead of accepting the truth. The best way to tell how your relationship is going with someone is to follow your natural ability to sense the truth.
Feelings
Your feelings offer you a map to what you know is right or wrong. It’s a sense. When you know something hurts, makes you sad, uneasy, etc… you should listen to that emotion. Too often we brush our own feelings aside because we think the person we are dating won’t care or understand.
Red flag! How does it make sense to you, to be dating someone who isn’t concerned or sensitive to how you feel? It doesn’t.
Actions
We are often told that actions speak louder than words but to fully understand what that means you must take every act and action into consideration. You’re chosen silence, is an action.
You’re inability to act or react is an action.
Instead of pointing to someone’s shady behavior and saying, “If you care about me so much, why don’t you call me?”
- “Why are you always yelling at me or blowing up at me?”
- “Why do you blow me off to hang out with your friends?”
- “ Why do you lie to me?”
Ask yourself, why do you react the way that you do? A better question, why do you feel the need to put up with behaviors that make you miserable, insecure, or angry?
Facts
While some adults tend to ignore them all together you can’t have a healthy, honest, realistic relationship if you refuse to accept the facts as they are. I find with many singles they are eager to fill in the blanks when they don’t like the reality of their situation. The basis of books like, ‘He’s just not that into you’, is a 101 in accepting the facts.
This person you’re dating hasn’t called, hasn’t asked you out, isn’t sleeping with you, isn’t dating you, doesn’t invite you out, etc. Basically equaling one basic fact: they are not interested.
Sometimes the fact is a person is willing to date you as long as you make it easy and convenient.
Sometimes the fact is no matter how hard you try you’ll never be as attracted as you want to be to who you’re dating. Or the person you’re dating will never stop lying. There are several facts that we choose to ignore because we don’t to lose the relationship we think we have no matter how unrealistic it really is.
So when it comes to staying realistic about who you are dating and the state of your relationship, its important to understand that your feelings, your actions and the facts are you best indicators. As hard as it might be to accept what is, it will catch up with you eventually. The truth can’t be ignored no matter how much any of us try. Its better to tell yourself that you’re happiness, is more important that a temporary fantasy.
And that is the truth.
Thoughts?