The single adult population has reached an alarming high. If you’re a part of this fast growing population it might come to no surprise that single adults account for over 40% of the population. So how does someone find a date much less fall in love in this environment. If you’re single right now, you are not necessarily responsible.
We are in the midst of a connection crisis where being a couple is becoming harder than ever. But whatever your current situation is: it sucks. It’s not your fault but it is your choice. Clinical sex therapist, Dr. Laura Berman expressed it this way, “The bottom line is for all of us, especially women, is you need to know that everything you want, you can have for yourself. You don’t have to depend on anyone else. If you want to take the reins of your life, you can create the love in your life that you most want.”
So what do you want most?
It’s important to know what you want and also why you want it. Human beings have needs that when left unmet can lead to depression, anxiety, and suffering. If you are ready to be in a relationship its clear to you that you have needs that are not being met. The first step to getting what you want is to know what it is clearly. People can only give you what you want when they know exactly what it is.
So how do you identify your needs and get them across to potential dates?
ASK FRIENDS
Enlist a friend of the opposite sex to spend an evening with you, just the two of you. If you don’t have any friends of the opposite sex, that should tell you something. Ask a co-worker that you like, or feel comfortable with. Or choose any single person of the opposite sex that you can be yourself around. If people are hesitant to be alone with you change your approach. Buy tickets to an event, invite them to something incredibly interesting but don’t quit asking until you get someone to say yes. If “friends” aren’t willing to spend time with you what makes you think a stranger will?
Ask your friend to give you feedback about what type of partner they see you as. Do the think you are high maintenance, positive, easy going, demanding? It’s best to wait until closer to the end of the night, or even after the event is over. Friends are a great mirror for our personalities. We all have blindspots in our personalities that might be keeping us from finding the love that we want.
MAKE 2 LISTS
It’s time to do a little introspective work. It’s not only important to know which needs that you need met but it’s critical to know why. Where in your life did you lose the ability to supply satisfaction to yourself. On a piece of paper, or in a document, create two lists.
On one side of the list write down everything that you like about yourself, a list of your positive aspects. On the other side fo the list write down everything that you wish you could change and be HONEST. At the core of our unhappiness are expectations that have not been met. The same applies to our self-esteem. Our self- esteem is the difference between who we think we are, who we see ourselves as, and who we think we should be.
The list should make it obvious what you like about yourself, and what needs you are looking to be pacified. It’s not that you need to change your negative aspects, it’s just clear that you need someone to accept this part of yourself. If you do feel that there are areas of your life that you want to improve, do so before you look for love.
DON’T LOOK A MESS
This sounds funny but the way that you do anything is the way that you do everything. Taking care of yourself and presenting yourself in a way that feels good will attract people who feel good about you. The misconception is that you will not attract dates if you don’t look a certain way. That’s not true. You will attract people. But you won’t attract people who treat you better than you treat yourself.
If you are looking for a date you should absolutely never look sloppy, or that you don’t care about yourself. Every single man and woman needs to understand that any indication that you can’t, or don’t, take care of yourself is a deal breaker. It’s a competitive market and dating is very superficial. We are choosing partners at face value. So at the onset, you are showing the world exactly how you feel about yourself. Everyday could be the day that you will meet a potential date, why risk blowing your chances by looking like you wrestled an alligator before you left the house?
Even if you don’t agree that looks should play an important role in dating, consider this: how did you feel when you got dressed this morning. Were you in love with yourself? Or were you just doing what you had to do to get out of the house? That intention is going to attract people who feel similarly. So set the standard early, that you care about yourself and others will fall in line.