You meet someone fantastic. They are on the same wavelength as you are and the vibe is incredible. In a few short weeks, you’re starting to think that your search is over and you see them as a long term partner. You’re ready to stop seeing other people, and you really want to commit to the new love that you have found.
There isn’t another person that you are interested in, and you start to believe that you have found the one. Just as you are getting closer, they seem to be pulling away.
At first you think that maybe it is in your head. You start making excuses, and checking your phone more often. But you know that you aren’t imagining the disconnect, and you start getting anxious. You know that something is wrong because it feels different. All of a sudden you are distracted by the thought of losing them, and before you know it, days have gone by without contact.
What do you do?
There is no harder feeling than someone pulling away without warning. While there is no real reason for this other than a sudden fear from the other person that they need a change in their life. Often this comes with collateral damage, which is your heart.
It’s Not About Your Worth
It’s hard to accept but another person’s choice has nothing to do with you. Think about it this way, the reason that you like them, isn’t because they are perfect, it’s because you made the decision to want them. You didn’t make them earn it, it just happened. When someone makes a decision about you, it isn’t personal, although it feels that way. Their worthiness isn’t why you choose them just as your worthiness isn’t why they didn’t choose you.
The brain likes what is familiar. So if someone pulls away from you, it’s because they are not in a place that feels comfortable. It has nothing to do with your future together but everything to do with their past. It isn’t a comforting thought but it’s the truth.
Replace Your Thoughts
The hardest thing about change is not choosing the same thoughts as the day before. It sucks to miss someone. Not only is your body going through a chemical change, your habit of thought is fixated on this person. The only way to get past it is to replace thoughts of them with someone else.
This doesn’t have to be someone that you know. The brain can make anything real. If you really want a relationship, start thinking about what the next love in your life will be like. It’s ok to think of the future that you wanted with this person, of your past. But the one thing you should NOT do is think of the past. When you let your mind reminisce about the past you stay there emotionally.
This means that you can’t get over how you feel, and you will continue to feel bad.
You have to replace the thoughts that you think with new thoughts of the future. And do so every day. If you find yourself thinking about the past, create a trigger to get yourself out of it. Get up and walk around, wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it every time you have a thought of the past. When you think the same thoughts, you will the same results. Even if this person comes back into your life, they will be in the future not the past.
Embrace The Loss
No matter how brief a relationship, if it caused a chemical response there will be a deep sense of loss. Sometimes we feel embarrassed by how much we care but the truth is, your body has released the same amount of chemicals as a lifelong relationship. It’s no wonder you feel a deep sense of loss, or grief, because chemical you are in a state of withdrawal. Don’t take this lightly by trying to hold in your emotions.
Recognize that you have released strong hormones that have literally caused you to become addicted to your feelings. This is a good thing when the other person sticks around. It helps love last. When you break up or no longer have access to this person, and those feelings, the body experiences a real chemical withdrawal and you feel awful.
Don’t try to convince yourself that you are not in pain, or distract yourself from the pain. Actually feel the pain. When it comes to hardships, and tough emotions, the only way out is through. Your body is filled with highways and pathways. When you hold on to emotions you are creating traffic jams that keep you stuck in that memory or mood. When you express the emotional loss, pain, or grief, your body releases it.
So if you feel like crying, screaming, writing, or taking a long walk, do so. Letting it out is good for you.
Think About the Future
Even if your separation is temporary, or you want your ex back no matter what, the only way to be with them is in the future. Too often we try to go back to what we had. You can’t. Whatever caused them to distance themselves happened so the only way to move on is to move forward.
If you are unable to let go of this person, then think of them only in the future. Because that’s where they are.
That’s where the relationship is. If they are going to call, it’s going to be tomorrow. If they are going to come back, it’s going to be tomorrow. Think of a future with the two of you happy together. Feel happy about creating a new story with them. Let them come back into your life, when you are happy and not sad from missing them.
The idea being, you can’t create from a place of distress. You can only create from a happy state of mind. If you are going to be with this person, it can only be at two points in time, now or later. So you have to find a way to feel good now, or think about the future where you will feel good.
Those are the only options.