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He Hasn’t Called, Now What…

He Hasn’t Called, Now What…

He’s not that into you… if he’s not calling you.
It was the reigning theme in the best-selling book by Greg Behrendt. In some cases this is clear and concise advice but just because a man doesn’t call or text you when you expect him to, that doesn’t mean he’s not into you.
Sometimes, but not every time.

We’ve all had the experience of being ghosted, or at least feeling like it. I dated a guy who would text me, or call me every day. One day he didn’t. I wasn’t freaked out initially, but I did notice there was something essentially missing in my day. Then I thought, has he lost interest?

While we hadn’t been dating very long, just one day without contact I began to be alarmed. Long story short, I called him, no response. The next day came and went without a text and again I reached out to him. No response. I did what most women tend to do, I panicked.

We never spoke again. We didn’t talk it over, and we didn’t try to see each other again. He pulled the classic fade out and it was a miserable experience. It was true ghosting because back then social media didn’t allow me to keep tabs on him.

That experience triggered a familiar reaction. The fear you get when a guy you like isn’t reaching out to you. I had to remind myself of one important truth: Just because one man, who doesn’t call isn’t interested, doesn’t mean every man who doesn’t call isn’t interested.

When a man isn’t calling you, instead of worrying about what that means put the situation into perspective. The objective is to maintain your sanity, and your emotional state. There is nothing more unattractive than an insecure woman projecting her insecurities on a man. If you’re anxious about not hearing from the guy that you like, this is what you need to know when waiting for him to contact you.

Being emotional means you lose.

Have you ever heard of a thing called ‘The three day rule?’ This classic advice taught for centuries, encouraged men to get a woman’s number then wait wait three days to call, or make contact. In today’s modern world it seems pointless. We are connected in multiple ways, and we hate waiting for anything.

If you meet a guy observing this rule, don’t freak. As much as we hate it, relationships take time. You have to give the courtship time to unfold. So if you’ve just met someone, take good inventory of your emotions. Ask yourself why you’re so invested, in a stranger? And find a way to calm yourself down. If you’ve been dating a guy for awhile, and he doesn’t call or text when he says he will don’t freak out.

There are two things going on that you should observe. Being unreliable with his communication is a bad habit that has nothing to do with you. He’s risking you losing interest by his unreliable behavior. What most women tend to do however is become upset by the lack of communication. The truth is, your emotions have been triggered and you’re not angry that he didn’t call,  you’re likely angry that this man has stirred feelings of past rejections.

This time he doesn’t call reminds you of all the guys, and all the times they didn’t call. This non-call reminds you that you’re invested in someone who isn’t as invested in you. It reminds you that you need someone else’s attention to feel worthy.
All I can say is: GET A GRIP!

Your value is not based on someone else’s attention. If a man isn’t calling, or texting you, don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you squirm.

You have to act like you didn’t even notice. You have to act like it doesn’t bother you. More importantly, you have to let it not bother you. You are in control of your emotions not him. You don’t need his call or attention to feel good about yourself, or the relationship. You don’t need his call or text as a sign that he likes you.

You don’t have to respond

If the man you’re dating, or really into, doesn’t contact you when you expect him to then don’t feel obligated to respond when he does. Is this a game, yes. But it’s one worth playing. You want a man who is willing to invest in you the way that you are investing in him. Remember: You can play the game or you can be a victim but you can’t be both.

Be realistic.

A phone call is not a big deal. A text is not a big deal. What really matters is how you feel when you’re with him. What matters is if this process feels good to you or not. Are you frustrated because you like him so much, and you can’t wait to hear from him? Or are you frustrated because you like him so much and he’s making you feel worthless?

These are important questions to ask yourself. Dating takes time. Maybe he is calling and texting but not at the speed or frequency that you would prefer. Then maybe you need to accept you’re being needy or impatient. If he’s not calling or texting because he’s not interested then don’t compromise your values to be with someone who isn’t investing in you.

Relax

It’s ok to give a man every chance in the world to do the right thing. If he shows a blatant disregard for phone etiquette, keep it moving. He’s not worth it. But if he isn’t contacting you, it doesn’t always mean he’s not into you. Before you take it personally, take a breath and think things through.

At the end of the day, you have to decide for yourself what you want, and why you want it. Trying play detective and use a man’s contact frequency as a sign of interest never works.  Don’t get upset about his lack of communication. In fact, don’t get upset at all. Your life does not stop.

If he isn’t calling you, or you feel uncomfortable calling him, then reevaluate the relationship. Dating is supposed to be fun. If it doesn’t feel good then lose the guy before you lose your positive attitude.

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