Dr. Phil has a quote, “When we choose the behavior, we choose the results. In order to have differently, we have to do differently.” Often singles set out to prove that their way of dating is right and that everyone else is f*cked up.
For example, when I posted a video about ‘nice guys’, I got several comments from men in protest. Many insisted that women were the problem, and that ‘nice guys’ were right to be how they were. Men and women who are struggling to see results in dating, often argue for limitations. Claiming that if the circumstances were different, they wouldn’t be how they are.
Even when everyone else is wrong, and you’re right. If you’re still single, then does it really matter? While everyone else might be wrong, what does that mean for you.
I know racism is wrong, but I have to live with the realization that it exists.
There may be several minorities who don’t experience it, but that is not my reality. I act and live according to my circumstances and experiences I endure, and not on what I had heard. It might be wrong; but its real. In dating, while we might strongly disagree with the reality of a situation, or a culture, you can’t avoid it.
While your behavior might be predicated on an unfortunate circumstance, you’re the one who has to live with the results.
That being the case, it’s important to think about what you want to happen in your love life. Ideally you meet an available man or woman who you are physically attracted to. This person will be physically attracted to you. After you have a “date”, you will decide that you like each other; it will be mutual.
The person you meet will exhibit signs of interest, and you will do the same. You will continue to go on dates and spend time together. You will eventually become exclusive and so on.
In most romantic scenarios, what I described above is what you want to happen. Each step leads into the next with seamless ease. There is little to no friction from meeting to commitment, and you feel like you’re “on the same page” as the person you’re dating. If you can’t relate to this timeline, or you don’t feel like your past relationships have followed this trajectory ask yourself:
Where in this scenario do you find trouble?
- Meeting available men or women that you are attracted to, getting them to find you attractive?
- Scheduling and going on a ‘date’?
- Deciphering their level of interest if any?
- Continuing to plan dates and time together?
Etc.
Where in this process do you find yourself struggling to prove that you are right and everyone else is wrong? ‘When we choose the behavior, we choose the results.’ Are you convinced that there aren’t enough people out there, or that it’s hard to meet people?
Do you believe that everyone you like is interested in a different type of person than you are? Are you still sold on the idea that people should be “hard to get” or that dating of itself is difficult?
If you have a limiting belief or a recurring behavior that creates a roadblock during the aforementioned process then you have to ask yourself, “What am I doing that might be sabotaging my success?”
If you can’t possibly come up with the answer then you’re already in the wrong.
You are doing something. You are choosing a behavior that is garnishing results that you don’t want. This isn’t a behavior that is happening once, it’s happening over and over. You have to come clean about the choices you are making in dating and in life. It could be something as small your belief that dating is hard, or it could be a deeper fear that maybe you’re just not lovable.
Look for small signs of self-sabotage such as: do you continue to go out with a friend you think is more attractive than you? When you meet potential dates do you assume they aren’t interested in you? Do you miss signs of interest? It starts with our beliefs, which translates to a behavior then ends in a result that we don’t want.
I can’t tell you what you believe or think. I can only tell you that when it comes to dating, you aren’t doing everything right. You might not be doing anything right.
The good news is you are in control of the results because you are in control of the actions.
What we choose to do every day is what creates our reality. I’m only asking that you think about why you’re doing what you’re doing and if it’s helping, or hindering your love life. Identify the behavior that isn’t working in your favor, and instead of trying to prove that you’re right to do or believe what you’re doing, make the change.
Everyone else might be in the wrong, but you’re the one that’s single.