Let’s say that you have an incredible first date with someone. The chemistry is there, and you’re ready to move forward, and decide to see them again. You haven’t meet anyone that you’ve been excited about so, it’s a good feel to look forward to a second date.
So many singles find themselves in this very predicament. Since the purpose of the first date, is to get a second date, the chances of seeing your date another time is based on how good of a dater you are.
How can you tell if you’re good at dating or not? In the past, the purpose of dating was to find a committed relationship, and possibly get married. Today, the stakes are much different, and dating is seen as an act independent of marriage, and at times just for fun.
The best way to judge if you are a good dater is by how you feel. You can also gauge you skills by the elements that make dating fun.
Are you good at flirting?
How about relationships?
If you’re unsure about your dating skills, there is one anecdote that might help; the best way to predict the future is to create it.
If successful dating is based on results then visualizing the things you want, people you want to meet, and your expectations for who you would like to be is a great way to make them come to pass.
Dating can be awesome.
Many singles can’t accept that because they’re living too far into a future and relying on expectations. Dating is awesome when you are in the present. When you’re not too busy worrying about who this person will be in your life and what the courtship will lead, you can actually enjoy the process. It’s great to visualize what you want, and judge compatibility against it, but you have to also enjoy the experience you are in right then.
Do you find yourself spending mental energy dissecting the date, and then trying to translate hidden meanings that might apply to our future.
He ordered for me, he’s caring, that means he’ll be a good farther.
She unlocked my door, she’s thoughtful, that means she’ll take care of me when I’m sick.
She was cool with splitting the check, she’s generous, that means she won’t take all my hard earned money and so on.
Our thought process for assessment applies every action to the future. Stop. Live in the present. Enjoy the moment you’re in. If you can’t then you have two choices, get out of it physically, or re-frame it mentally.
You can tell if you’re living too far into the future by the way you judge present behavior. Anyone who believes that flirting leads people on isn’t living in the present. Anyone who won’t accept dates because they believe they would never marry a woman or man ‘like that’ isn’t living in the present. Anyone waiting until they are richer, thinner, or better, than they are now before they submit to love is NOT living in the present.
It’s natural to want to let our mind project. We come to conclusions to help us make decisions. We assume where our choices will lead us and for the most part this is an asset in life. Understanding how decision of the present affect the future is incredibly valuable. Trying to predict the future is not.
In dating, however, you don’t always have to do that because (hold tight to your ego): it’s not up to you.
Gasp, sigh, swoon! Yes, everything that happens in life isn’t up to you. I know shocking right?
Dating tends to mirror our perspective on life. If you feel more comfortable controlling outcomes then dating is more about assessment enjoyment. This is completely normal, as many single adults are desperately trying to mitigate risk. As difficult as it might be to accept, you can’t control the future. You can’t even predict it. You can however create it, by making the best decisions at the time, based on the present. Based on the facts at hand in that moment.
So how can you always be sure that you are living in the present when it comes to your love life?
Stop making interpretations.
Everything doesn’t always mean something and just because it does that doesn’t mean you’ll know what it is.
You’re not a mind reader.
You’ll never know what people will think as a result of your actions. If you have sex, if you buy someone a drink, if you touch their arm as you flirt, you can’t predict what someone else will think. Do or don’t do it but don’t assume you’ll know how it will be perceived.
Check your mindset.
Check in with yourself. How do you feel in this moment with this person? Don’t think any further than in that moment.
Give up control.
You have to believe that you can handle whatever happens. Life is full of unexpected moments, you can’t prepare for them all so stop trying. We worry, we stress, we project, we fantasize etc. just about anything to avoid our present. We spend so much time thinking of what’s to come that we forget to enjoy what we have now.
In dating, look no further than into the eyes of who you’re with. Make the conscious choice to experience and appreciate the now. What are you doing right now? Engage in this moment. Welcome it.