How do you get a man?
One of the most popular posts on The Dating Truth is about pursuing men. Should women do it, and if so how? There is one answer – yes. But as Joe Dispenza always says, “It’s not enough to know, but you have to know how.” As you might have heard, a yes without a how, is a wish. So if you want to find love, partnership, and possibly marriage then here is how it’s done.
Why Should Women Pursue Men
What might come to mind when you think of ‘pursue’ is ‘chasing’. Women shouldn’t chase men, because anything you chase will run. Just ask a fox. Women shouldn’t chase men because it’s not the woman who needs the man but the other way around. To pursue a man is much different. The word itself is simply a linguistic shortcut to describe a more complicated process. The definition of pursue that you should employ is: to continue or proceed along.
Despite what you have heard in the past, or even have been conditioned to believe. It is okay, to be led by a man who is a leader. Imagine that you are on the way to a destination. You hire a car to take you to where you want to go. You have given the driver directions but halfway through the ride, you decide that you know best, so you hop into the front seat of the car, push the chauffeur aside and promptly take the wheel.
This sounds ridiculous right? But women do this to men all of the time. They give a man permission to date them, and instead of following along the process, they take the reins. To pursue a man is simply to decide which man you want and then follow the process. You are in control without having to be in charge.
How to Choose a Man
Most people have a hard time making decisions because they feel deeply uncomfortable being wrong. The reason that you believe you could be wrong, and choose the wrong person is because you feel that the responsibility of being with the right person is all up to you but it’s not.
First, do you accept and believe that there is someone tailor made just for you? And possibly more than one person? Next, do you accept and believe that it’s okay to leave a good relationship for a great one? Lastly, do you measure the success of a relationship by how happy you are or by how long it lasts? Before you choose a man to pursue, you must understand one critical thing about your choice; why you want it.
So here is a brief exercise.
On a piece of paper, notebook, or electronic device write a list of all the reasons why you want a romantic partner. Take a look at the list. Next to every answer on the first list, assign an emotion to the reason. Example: I want a romantic partner to go to the movies with. This would make me feel: less lonely. Finally, reread the list with the associated emotions and cross off anything on the list that you can achieve without a partner.
Invariably, you should be able to cross off everything on the list. The point of this exercise is to identify why you really want a partner. For the simple reason that you deserve to have love in your life. Choosing the right man comes down to the man that is willing to love you the way that you feel you deserve. Once you have chosen that man, it is time to pursue him the right way.
How to Pursue the Right Man
Dating has become some kind of guessing game with single men and women afraid to get to know the person that they are dating intimately. In order to pursue the right man, you have to know him well enough to know where you have the competitive advantage over other women. The first step is to get to know him. What is he after, and what is he after with you? The best way to get this information is to ask. You have to be a detective, and a cunning one at that.
You have to know if he is the right man for you, and the more you learn about him the easier it will be to discern if he is indeed the man that you want.
First, you label him.
This is a popular technique mentioned frequently in the book ‘Never Split the Difference’, you use phrases such as: You seem like a guy that is interested in marriage and kids. He will either own this label, or deny it. Information. Another labeling tactic is the phrase: That seems like something a cheater would do, if only jokingly. Again, he will either confirm or deny, then you can follow up with – have you ever cheated?
Try again with another label. Example: That seems like something you do in a marriage – have you ever been married?
The right way to pursue a man is to learn everything that you can about him. Listen to him, and use the information that he shares to learn more. When it seems like a man is pursuing you, all he is really doing is learning you, and then looking for opportunities to use what he has learned to keep you interested in him.
Anyone can do this but only the most secure and determined people ever do.
Once you have decided that you have the man that you want to pursue prepare yourself. First, you have to address any fears, or insecurities that you have about the probability of the catch. The difference between a pursuit and a chase is that at no point into the process are the roles reversed. The fox doesn’t suddenly become tired, and decide to give the rabbit a go at chasing. If your insecurities get the better of you, and you feel that you should be the one who is under pursuit then just quit while you’re ahead.
The truth is, men and women don’t want the same things.
To liken their behavior to children, men don’t do what is best for them, they do what feels good in the moment. In a parent/child dynamic, the parents know that eating all of the candy a child wants won’t feel good in the long run but the child doesn’t know this. So ultimately, they want the same thing but the child (the man) thinks of the moment while the parent (You) thinks of the future.
You must embrace that the “man” is not the prize, the happy relationship is the prize. You are after a secure, and healthy partnership. Men and women both want to be loved but if left up to men, they will forgo the ultimate destination for the fun stops along the way.
By pursuing the man that you want, you can ultimately get the relationship that you want. You can leisurely ride in the back seat confidently knowing that you are on your way.