I’m going to tell you plain and simple. Stop dating men, who aren’t asking you out.
Technically you can stop reading, but don’t. If this site is good for anything it’s that I read a lot of relationship books and articles so that you don’t have to. I came across an article on TheKnot.com that garnered an AHA moment. I don’t have these moments often when reading relationship advice because I hate relationships but this was a rare occasion when what the writer stated made sense. In the article, ‘8 Bad Relationship Habits To Kick This Year’ I realized that I was guilty of one major bad habit. It was the one thing that seemed to be the common thread for why all of my potential courtships fall short of commitment. I let men stop dating me.
Now keep in mind. I am on the same journey you are to find a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship with a wonderful person. And YES, this is still The Dating Truth but I’m realistic enough to understand that most people only enjoy dating when they feel close to their relationship goals.
And no matter who you are, your goal is to be understood in a loving and genuine way that heals your soul. Did I just blow your mind? I think I did. So back to my AHA moment, which I hope you will have too. It isn’t just a female problem. It’s called complacency and it happens to many couples. Some people lazily enter into relationships just to break up shortly after. Others, like a special reader who wrote to me, are still in dating purgatory when she wants a commitment.
If your dating life is anything like mine, it might go something like this.
Go to dinner.
Hang out for drinks.
Go to an event.
Share weekend activities.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Then it happens…
He’s kind of tired. He finishes up something later than expected. The plans you have are slightly inconvenienced and the man says: Why don’t we just… stay home, in, make dinner, rent a movie or some other lazy activity that’s not really a date.
Sure. You agree because you’re not really that interested in wearing the super cute outfit you’ve specifically planned for this occasion out in public.
When I say you, I mean I. I agree to start spending nights in. I agree to substitute dates for nights together because as long as he is with me he’s not dating any other chick that’s all that matters.
I can’t explain the psychology involved in how we assign value to things, people, or experiences but I will tell you this, effort almost always equals high value. Yes there are exceptions. I’ve been naïve enough to believe I might be one of them but history has taught me, I am not.
A person who hasn’t extended any effort is less likely to assign a high value to what it is they have achieved or attained (You). People don’t value free shit.
Think back to the times when you were aloof or ambivalent in a relationship and how much harder the person you were dating pursued you. Or maybe when the person you were dating was a challenge, you became more interested in them. For whatever reason singles assign high value to those they can’t have.
I believe without a doubt that dating is important. It wasn’t until I read this article that I accepted how important. Couples should set date nights, no matter how busy, tired, or inconvenient. Real dates are even more important to single people. This might seem like an issue just for women but in my experience it’s always been the man who has suggested, let’s stay home. I can’t exactly blame men. Dating is expensive but the effort of the date is what matters the most, not the cost.
So my real advice to the men is to keep asking the woman who you’re interested in on dates.
Go out and do something together. Have an experience. Don’t assume because you never spend weekends together that you never should. Don’t accept that seeing each other around the way has the same value as planning a date and spending quality time together. Regardless of what you do, the effort exerted is the best way to convey your interest in this woman.
My advice to women is not original; HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE ISN’T ASKING YOU OUT!
I don’t care how long you’ve been dating. As a frequent dater, I believe an invitation denotes interest. If a man isn’t inviting you anywhere but over that’s exactly what your chances are of getting a relationship. Any man willing to spend time with you but put in absolutely no effort to do so is not a man interested in a relationship with you. Sorry.
It takes boundaries and discipline and it isn’t easy. In fact, I’m not going to lie. I’ve never done it. I’ve always been the one; sans We Deliver sign, driving to a man’s house at all hours to spend, “quality time.”
But for the sake of authenticity I have a new dating policy, we’re not dating unless you ask me out. Or unless, I ask you out. It’s my way of measuring and showing investment, and I think it’s valuable.
I hope this was helpful.